Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

Waiting for the Un-Pause

How long is it until, we get our lives back?
Where there's no fear of sickness, no fear of a virus attack?

When we will go out and about,  without an errand at hand,
Make ordinary days special; without any grand plans.

When we'll meet up with friends for a drink,  revel in the joys of a night-out
The time will appear to pass in a blink,  and maybe, we will forget the word 'lockdown'.

When we'll dress up and go to cute places on dates;
Perhaps, we'll just be grateful to see another human face!

When we'll take a break from our homes and from the cooking,
Just to sample everything in the neighborhood bakery, relaxing in its cozy setting.

When we'll smile at babies because we think they are cute,
And they will stare back blankly... clearly giving us an attitude?

When we'll walk our pets without a time-limit,
Maybe talk to strangers, without worrying about the 'distance'.

When we'll once again see our colleagues every single day,
And celebrate birthdays, the proper way!

When we'll spend on things, maybe just out of greed,
But, maybe, now, we'll also spare a thought, for those in need!

How long until we get our lives back?
How long until everything is just a 'throwback'! 

Illusions

Maybe,  I got carried away;
by the glitter, and the shine,
due to the laughter and the wine?
I felt like it was sunshine on a cold day;
Felt like it was, finally, my time!

Maybe... I got carried away,
But who wouldn't; when you've always been astray?
And then, it seems that something's coming your way;
That something you'd always wanted but were too afraid to say...

Yes, truly, I did get carried away;
By the glitter, and by the shine...
Dreamt dreams, thought of them as rightfully 'mine';
Because, for once, I thought they wouldn't betray.
But, remember, I got carried away?

But sometimes, it's the glitter and the shine,
And the illusions that they bring (it does feel divine!);
That makes you realize that the dreams that you dreamt...
Were perhaps not ones you really meant.

And just like that, the Illusion breaks,
Leaves you wiser in its wake;
Makes you realize, life goes on:
And all your dreams? Well, the real ones are far from gone!

Reflections in the time of Corona....

I am getting lots of time to myself due to the COVID-19 outbreak and the subsequent lockdowns and mandatory staying in at homes. 

Normally, this is good news for me - an introvert - someone who likes time to herself to reflect... usually on life. 

This time around however it is very different. I find myself exposed to deepest truths about myself.. and that's not always pretty.  In the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to get to know myself. It hasn't been an easy journey at all, and somehow I naively thought it was over. 

Nope. It's perhaps a lifelong journey. And in the current situation, I am meeting a new version of myself - one who has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears...ones which I thought I had gotten over. (Naive, again?) There's the cynical voice inside my head which calls out all my mistakes and wants me to be perfect - anything less is unacceptable and thus I must constantly judge myself, never in the kindest words. 

But this forced slowdown in life is forcing me to accept myself, and listen to the cynical voice a little lesser. I am observing the cynical voice, something which isn't always possible in the daily chaos that is often my life. I'm too busy handling one thing after the other, to realize that the cynical voice in my head is indeed that - a cynical voice - and not a fact about myself. 

Now, while observing this voice, I am trying to find sources of its accusations - and I don't find any solid evidence to support the claims. Sure, sometimes it is right in some of its claims, but more often than not, it's never as bad as the voice makes it seem. It seems like the cynical voice is losing and I am winning, yay! 

So, I am now learning that it is perfectly normal to not be perfect - to be foolish sometimes and perhaps make the 'wrong' decisions. I'm learning that it is normal to make mistakes and to fail... it's everyday life for everyone in this world! Of course, all this is not a brand new realization for anyone. To accept and internalize this, however, has been a constant struggle for me. Perhaps, I will forget this when the pandemic is over and when our lives will be back on track. But, right now, at this moment -  I am able to accept these truths about myself. And that, in itself is a big win! 

I think, meeting myself was long due. Because there's this version of myself which exists in my head, which I suspect overblows the good qualities because of my inherent insecurities... oh well, that's not there anymore. Instead, I'm reframing my version of myself in my head. I'm making her based on what I really am. It's not easy of course. because it seems like I'm downgrading my perfect self (and then the cynical voice begins again..); it's disappointing at times, because if the version in my head is not perfect, what am I supposed to even aspire to be?  But, I'm also realizing that it's not fair to uphold myself to impossible standards.. because that means I'll be always setting myself up for failure. And hey, the more realistic version seems a lot more humane and fun! I'm loving getting to know myself, once again! 

Yes, this forced slowdown in life is challenging, something which all of us have been unprepared for. Yes, it is unpredictable and causes a lot of anxiety. But, as I mentioned in my last post, I think I'm one of the lucky ones in all this pandemonium - because it is very likely that I will get out of this without any significant negative impacts. And, if my journey to know myself keeps up, perhaps with a lot more confidence and self-awareness - things definitely not easy to achieve!  

Life in times of Corona

A pandemic is upon us, and the world is drowning in anxiety, understandably.

For me, however, this event has made me realize how in-control of my life, I am.

I am educated, so I can read and understand about the coronavirus. I can ensure that me and my family/friends take adequate precautions. I am working in a formal set-up wherein I don't have to worry if this crisis will affect my employment status, and thus sustenance. I will have enough savings and resources to tide me over even if there is an economic crisis. I have internet and social media, where  #socialdistancing has become the new cool; helping us all cope with isolation and quarantine. I have friends and family I can reach out to, in case this starts affecting my mental health.

And then there's the other set of population, in my very own country, in my very own city. The uneducated and illiterate ones - who do not perhaps even understand what is happening. Someone I heard recently was saying, 'what is this illness which is killing anyone who steps outside the house?' They have dubious (if any) sources of information. Then there are the ones working in the unorganized sector and the daily wage earners - they simply do not know how will they get over this shock - because of the economic lockdowns they are now completely dependent on the state for survival. Most will perhaps not even have any substantial savings; and; if quarantined, any means of staying in touch with their family and loved ones.

If all of that is not a source of anxiety and helplessness, I don't know what is.

Or is it normal for them, and this is another 'shock' that they have to accept and move on from? Is anxiety a normal state of mind for them, and thus perhaps this situation is not much different? Does that make them more perhaps resilient than the ones in the former group?
I don't know these answers; I can only see the unfairness of it all, because, if it becomes an epidemic in India, the poor and the vulnerable will be hit the most, just like with every other disaster. And that's the most unfair, because, at least in India, it has been brought by the 'rich' Indians - those who could travel to a foreign country and thus transmit it into India; to have the poor pay for it would be a great travesty.

Life in the times of Corona is strange and unsettling and prompting great existential questions. It is also making me more grateful, making me more connected to my friends and family, and giving me a forced downtime to perhaps push a reset? Without the noise of daily routines and stresses away, I am able to focus with greater clarity on what is truly important.
I hope that we come out on the other side kinder, more compassionate, more humane, more grateful, and maybe more peaceful and happy.

Because we're the lucky ones! 

Unexpected Experiences

The first time I heard about the country, Taiwan, I was an ignorant teen who didn't have much knowledge of the world or its affairs. So, when a friend told me that he was going to this country for a semester exchange program, my first thought was, 'but where is this, and why wouldn't you go to a western 'developed' country for an exchange program!'

The same friend when he came back after the exchange, proclaimed that it was his favorite country in the world (after our own, of course) - and this is a view he continues to hold to this day. This made me intrigued, and perhaps that was what made me curious and sowed the seeds in me about wanting to visit this country someday.

I love being by myself, so when somehow circumstances came together to give me an opportunity to travel alone to Taiwan, of course, I took it up! And while I do not have a 'how a solo trip changed my life' story; it did give me a lot of insights about myself that I never thought was true. This visit was somewhat of a 'dream come true'; something I never thought would happen to me ; yet sometimes life surprises you in the nicest ways.

I am always concerned with identities, especially about my own. Over the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to understand and discover myself; and have been taking pride in the fact that I have managed to understand myself a fair bit. I am now in my late 20s, and I had thought that whatever I had thought and believed about myself was true and based on a fair bit of evidence, and also, somewhat permanent. It was exactly this assumption that was challenged while I was traveling by myself.

But first, about Taiwan! I had high expectations, which were rightly fulfilled. It helped that I already knew a local there - an old friend from university - and in large parts, it was her and her family's welcome and hospitality which made me love the country so much!

From the minute I landed, I never felt lost - mostly because the country is extremely welcoming to foreigners. As a female traveling alone, I am conditioned into not trusting anyone, but I felt my fears going away as I made my way through the airport, trying to find the right ways to reach the capital city. The warmth and the help given by everyone there threw me off for a bit at first - what is the motive behind that!, I found myself wondering the entire first day. After spending 5 days in the country, however, I realized that there isn't always an ulterior motive if people are helpful and nice, and that, the world is perhaps nicer than we like to admit. I have never felt more welcomed in a country like I did in Taiwan. If India believes in "Atithi Devo Bhava"; I am sure Taiwan has their version of it as well! (And perhaps other Asian countries; which I haven't had opportunities to visit)

My friend and her family were perhaps the epitome of the hospitable nature of the country. I was in Taiwan during the Chinese New Year - a time typically reserved for the family - but they not only welcomed me but included me in all their local traditions; as if I am someone they have known forever. So there I was, participating in their local Tao temple tradition for good luck, playing a traditional Chinese gambling game (beginners luck; I won, but while we were playing without any money!), learning to eat with chopsticks, and meeting extended friends and family of my host friend - who treated me like their own too! Despite not knowing the language, never once did I feel out of place. The entire time with my friend and host, I felt as though I was back home, with a close friend, but of course with a massive language barrier! :)

Taiwan is a beautiful, modern, culturally rich country.  It seems like a country which is unapologetic and so comfortable in its own skin, that it is hard not to fall in love with it.  I felt that, it was Asian enough to feel like home, yet developed enough to feel like 'foreign' - a term we in India tend to often associate with the developed countries of the west. While there, I often wondered why is it not a more sought after holiday destination - it is close to India and it is relatively cheap - but perhaps it is our collective ignorance about the rest of Asia that prevents us from thinking of it as a mainstream holiday! I'd definitely love to visit the country again, because while 5 days gave me enough time to soak in the culture; yet there are parts of the country I couldn't visit, something which I hope to do in the future.

The experience of traveling alone gives you confidence, yes, but for me, it was also about getting to know myself outside of the context of a familiar setting.  I realized that I have always seen myself in the context of what my family, society, and culture expects me to be; and it is fair - because it is exactly that which has molded me. And yet; outside of everything familiar, it was as if a new side of me was able to express herself; one who didn't feel constrained by what she is 'supposed to be'; rather, was just able to, be.
Perhaps it wasn't the country, perhaps it was just the experience, one may argue. But the warmth and the safety I felt from people there was definitely unmatched, in my experience so far.

It was a country which made me feel safe and liberated and more like myself - well, what's not to love!