Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

My favourite things

Going through my old posts, I realize, not only have I been a tad bit infrequent, I have also never written a post about the many things I love. ( I may or may not have been inspired by the song My favourite things!)  After all, an aspiring writer (yes , that's me!) should first write about the things they love, the things they turn to when they are feeling blue. Such things are easiest to write about; minimal amount of thinking is required!

Coming back to my favourite things, I must admit I never thought about this until very recently. You think you know yourself very well, and suddenly if this question is popped to you; you fluster to give an answer that best defines you. After having thought a lot about this; I have realized I love the following things : (in no particular order)

Food

I am an Indian. I am a Delhiite. How can I NOT love food? I am a self confessed foodie; and there literally have been times when I have eaten myself sick. (that's nothing to be proud of, I realize) I appreciate good food, I (now) understand the work that goes behind making a good meal. Food is something I definitely turn to when I'm blue! Food is a primal need, no wonder it goes a long way in making me feel better.!

 Reading

I somehow have those 'feeling blue' days quite often, and I cannot rely on food all the time. Being a girl dictates that I watch my weight all the time (Sob!) As much as I would love to eat all the time, I cannot, and that is when I turn to reading. Reading offers me an escape that little else can; I can read  and for a while I can become the character in the book, whose life is being determined by another human just like me. It is fascinating and rejuvenating to live as someone else, in another world, even if for a short duration. I have always recognized reading as a hobby, but it was more because of lack of any other activities in childhood. Reading was a pastime, something I turned to when I didn't have anything better to do. Having always been a shy child, books were the world of solace; they were my first friends. Reading has developed into a habit which now proves to be very beneficial; and of course I love it when I find someone with similar interests in books (it is an excellent conversation starter for someone like me; who otherwise finds it difficult to talk to new people!)

Writing

The reason for this blog. The reason for this post.  A corollary from the above point (Ah, the mathematician in me awakens!)  While reading is truly wonderful, writing is a level beyond that. Writing helps me express myself better, and in the process, I understand myself better. It has always been a creative outlet .. ( and here, a sense of deja vu! Have I written those exact same words before?) Writing connects me to myself, helps me analyse my feelings ...and helps me in stirring up the (very) occasional post for this blog! 

Nature!

No! I am not about to embark on speech about how we must be thankful for this beautiful nature mother Earth has given us (although we must be thankful and stop all the environment degradation....) 

No, by nature I mean the beautiful patterns nature weaves out for us in the form of trees, flowers, rivers, mountains, sunrises and sunsets, clouds.. The list is endless. The thing which makes me most peaceful is the beauty of nature. Just sit in a park, or near a river or an ocean; and witness the beauty all around..and not just the natural beauty, also experience the beauty of innocence of children playing, the beauty of a teenage couple sneaking glances at each other as they walk together, the beauty of an old couple walking hand in hand, the beauty of a mother with her child, the beauty of people with their pets. Families, and groups of friends, all these things make me feel a little less lonely, and make me feel blessed for having such things in my life.This gives me the tranquillity when my mind is in its (alarmingly often) agitated state... 

There. I just described the things I love in this world. Just writing about these things make me happy!

In case you aren't particularly happy right now; try listening to the song which (sort of) inspired this post : 

 

And if you still don't feel happy, just remember a few of your favourite things! :D 

A Silver lining in the Darkness...

My Blackberry had been trying to get my attention with its blinking red LED before it finally went out of power. "There goes my connection to the world!", I remember thinking; and indeed it was true! Without a computer or any sort of internet connection, the phone was my gateway to the world, and suddenly I felt all alone.
No, this isn't something I experienced while travelling through the high reaches of the Himalayas or through the deserts of Sahara. This was experienced in the comfort of my house in the capital of India, when a power grid failure left almost 18 states powerless for about 20 hours in 2 days. Power backups last only so long before they also die out, and for busy professionals (or for pseudo busy student like me!) the hours without power seem daunting!Technology has seeped in so deeply with our lives that we realize its importance only when we do not get access to it. Seemingly easy works became a huge task for me without power and without any gadgets to use; and thus began a series of many "firsts" for me.

For the first time in a very long time, I could see nature in its purest form (or as pure as it can get in polluted Delhi!) The chirping of the birds combined with the gentle drip drop of the rain, produce a music so peaceful that I couldn't help but wonder why hadn't I ever noticed it before. Without the computer,internet or a TV for entertainment, I got once again carried into the charm of reading books, and not the e-books, the actual, paperback versions of novels I loved. The yellowed old pages seemed so familiar and welcoming, like home. As I sat down to write this article on a piece of paper; my fingers missed the strokes on the keyboard and I half expected the red wriggly line to appear every time I wrote a word whose spelling I wasn't too sure of.....yes that is an alarming (or maybe comical?) situation, I realize that!
With all that, this was the first time in months I got to spend some time with only myself for company, and it wasn't so bad! True, power failures like these cause a great inconvenience and chaos in general, but they also give an opportunity for people to spend some "me" time. So, maybe, it isn't all bad !