Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

Illusions

Maybe,  I got carried away;
by the glitter, and the shine,
due to the laughter and the wine?
I felt like it was sunshine on a cold day;
Felt like it was, finally, my time!

Maybe... I got carried away,
But who wouldn't; when you've always been astray?
And then, it seems that something's coming your way;
That something you'd always wanted but were too afraid to say...

Yes, truly, I did get carried away;
By the glitter, and by the shine...
Dreamt dreams, thought of them as rightfully 'mine';
Because, for once, I thought they wouldn't betray.
But, remember, I got carried away?

But sometimes, it's the glitter and the shine,
And the illusions that they bring (it does feel divine!);
That makes you realize that the dreams that you dreamt...
Were perhaps not ones you really meant.

And just like that, the Illusion breaks,
Leaves you wiser in its wake;
Makes you realize, life goes on:
And all your dreams? Well, the real ones are far from gone!

About Motivation

Motivation is such a fleeting emotion. It creeps up one fine day, when you are utterly frustrated with everything in your life; when you are depressed and desperately want a change in your life. It is this time, when motivation is at its peak. 

You decide to make your life better. Yes. I will do it. First thing tomorrow!!!

Surprisingly, for once, tomorrow does come. A bright new day, with your motivation still high, though not at its peak as it was the day before. But it is high enough to want to chase your dreams. This motivation is addicting - it makes you believe that you are capable of anything. It makes you feel good about yourself. It makes you believe that you are capable of achieving all your ever wanted. Today, you are ready to work hard like you have never done before. 

It's a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. That's the catch - I think. For a lot of people, it doesn't last. Motivation was at its peak, of course it will fall. But how much it falls makes all the difference in our life. I think that for a lot of successful people, it would fall, but stabilize at a level where it still pushes them to work hard, everyday. Probably that's how magic happens in their lives. For the rest of us, it falls so low, that it isn't long before you are back where you began - depressed, and frustrated, but a burning desire to change your life. With these thoughts, you are once again at the peak - only to fall back again ... 

I feel that to 'stabilize' your motivation at a level which will push you everyday, is a mind game. You love the adrenaline rush that comes with the peak. Those feelings are awesome! I love feeling like I am a superwoman capable of anything in the world! But how do you convince your brain that stability is good, that it is important for your success? 

For some time now, I have been trying to keep the motivation at a constant level. It is tough - extremely tough. More often than not, I feel de-motivated because of my bad habits. My brain is tuned to imagine the worse scenarios and is an absolute expert at negative thinking. Which is why I often catch myself thinking - "Oh, this isn't working, what's the point!", or "I am happy, I don't want to do these things!" Of course, I am not really happy; but who can explain this to the overbearing voice in my head which only likes instant gratification!

Motivating yourself on a daily basis is tough - and all those quotes like "If you feel like quitting, remember why you started" don't help me at all! Most of the time, why I'm on the downward slope of motivation, I am enjoying (?) the ride so much that I cannot remember why I ever started. After all, why would I want to eat healthy to lose weight when I can eat cake now and forever and feel SO GOOD!!!! 

I suppose learning to keep up my motivation always and working hard is another thing to do before I transition into a 'proper adult'. Until then, I will be enjoying the up and down rides on the slopes of Motivation! 

 

An adult, am I?

I am 23. Legally, I am an adult. The world and the society see me as one. My parents and family see me as one. However, I don't feel like one.

 At best, I feel like a 'functional' adult.

I don't know if this term even exists: but what it means I can tell you. It means that for all purposes; I am capable of functioning as an adult, and very well at that, I'd like to think. I have a job, I can drive, and I can cook. Okay, maybe the last one is a lie. I can barely cook would be more apt - but what I am trying to emphasize is that I am fully capable of living on my own, without any need to depend on anyone else. I can take care of all my basic needs by myself.

Yet, I am unable to recognize myself as an adult. There are days, when I walk into office, and feel like a child lost among grown-ups. It's the same feeling I used to get when I occasionally used to accompany my father to his workplace. I wasn't expected to take part in any 'work'; I would just sit in my father's office, watch him work, be fascinated by the amount of power he seemed to exert.

I wanted to grow up fast, be in such position soon. I too wanted to have an audience who would listen to my instructions, who would take me seriously. I too wanted to attend 'meetings', and 'conferences'.

That was more than a decade ago. Since then, I have definitely grown up - but it seems only in years. I still feel like that lost kid sometimes, only that the fascination has died down. Of course, I am nowhere as near as my father's authoritative position years ago. Yet, now that I know what's it's really like, I am not that fascinated. It could be because I no longer appreciate its value, having got what seemed unreachable 10 years ago. Or maybe, I am just not ready for it?

Some other times though, I can actually feel that I am growing up.
Just today in the morning, I read an article which I had also come across an year ago, about how to live a contended and happy life. Back then, I hadn't understood it at all - I could not even get the context. Today, I could not only understand, I could even relate to it. I was thinking about how I could use the advice given there to make positive changes in my life. It was that moment, I could feel that I was 'growing up'. How much  a difference just an year has made to me!

It's a Friday today; the most awaited day of the week for most people in the world. Today, when I realized it was a Friday, I felt happy; which made me stop for a moment, and think - "Whoa! Am I an adult!" Because well, in my world, only adults wait for Fridays so much.

I think, I am in a process of transition from a child into an adult. This transition is not very nice - because let's face it, since when is a period of uncertainty and turbulence nice? It is extremely frustrating and depressing at times; but sometimes, it is also very exciting. It is now, that I can see myself progressing towards the kind of person I have always wanted myself to be. Often, I imagine the 'adult' version of myself, and it's very exciting. The adult version of me is so knowledgeable, so confident, so motivating! She is so much better than this 'functional adult' version, and I cannot wait to be her!

Would you be so kind, as to not visit me anymore?

Why do you arrive, with infuriating punctuality?

When you know how well I do without you?

When each time, I wish for your ‘homecoming’ to end –

But your schedule has never any amends!

Making me dismal seems to be your speciality,

How much I detest you – I don’t think you know the gravity!

(But of course, you must have an inkling –

because could you not have sensed my heart sinking!)

Oh, Why couldn't you be more like your cousin;

Whose arrival is awaited by dozens?

The One who spreads joy, one who doesn't annoy -

The One whose sole presence is a reason to enjoy!

The cousin who when goes, leaves behind fond memories,

And takes away with him all of life’s worries..  

The one with whom we all want more time

(Although - it’s true, he never inspired me to rhyme! )

Dear Sunday Night, here is a request :

Please go away, never to come back without consent;

And even if you must, please don’t bring along, the one who attracts even worse feelings,

You know it’s your close relative – the despicable Monday Morning!  

Dissertation : Work in Progress (?)

With just a few days left to submit my (atleast) 15,000 words dissertation; I am (but, of course) stressed... because as always, I have been waiting until the last minute to actually  start my work. (though I have been giving my supervisor the impression that I have been putting in all hours of my life in this project...Or so I hope?) With the deadline fast approaching and my work (very) slowly progressing, it is a miracle how have I not hit the panic button yet.
For the people who may be even mildly interested in what is my research topic, I shall enlighten you today. For those who are not.. well then, you must still read, because , honestly, you also know you are just procrastinating from your work when you came across this blog, why not spend a few minutes and know what is it about?
(For those who are actually not  procrastinating, my apologies, you may now continue to your work; because the following might not be terribly important for you anyway...)

So I shall try to put down this journey of my  research project (so far) as succinctly as possible.

 (Just a random thought : I have a tendency to be the most creative when I have overwhelming amounts of work.. case in point: the post I wrote during exams! Wasn't that the best piece of writing you ever read or what!

OK. You don't need to tell me you don't agree with that.
 Because it was indeed the best piece of writing humankind has ever witnessed in the history of the world!

Just a slight exaggeration. Never mind, because , "Within every elaborate lie lies a kernel of truth.." ~Someone

Yes I just googled it to put in the blog to make it seem like I can fit in quotes whenever I like 'cos ofcourse I am well read and I remember every quote of every book I have ever read and I can put in a quote anywhere and everywhere just to make it sound like I am so smart.

and that  is how you increase the word-count ,people!

Sorry, this has been one huge bracket comment. I tend to deviate!)

So, yes, to the serious matter of my thesis so far.

Once upon a time there was a young woman who was very much passionate about doing something worthwhile in her life. (Apparently writing a blog twice a year does not count! I know I was shocked to learn that too..!) Anyway, she had no idea how to proceed to do the same. It must have been destiny then, that she enrolled in a graduate program in social statistics, one that demanded her to do an engaging project at the end.

It was a summer's evening in late April when the class was told they need to start thinking about their thesis and potential topics, and start meeting potential supervisors to discuss the validity of their project. Naturally, everyone was thrown off track and were infuriated at this bit of information.  "Don't they know that we have approximately a million deadlines and exams coming up in less than a month? They actually expect us to think?"
But the world doesn't work our way, because even though they had a million deadlines, they had also been given a million years to do it. (They must be really lazy students to not work until the last minute...)

Anyhow, this young woman was also perturbed. She hadn't even started thinking about her dissertation, and now she was suddenly expected to meet professors and discuss her research goals with them; there just wasn't enough time for everything!

However, there is the Law of Productivity ( which I firmly believe in, and it is not at all made up) which states : "The level of productivity of a person shall be constant (and low) ; unless and until the amount of time left to complete the said work approaches zero, after which the productivity increases exponentially"
In other words, productivity is inversely proportional to time.

Which means that, even though the young woman knew there was no time, she wasn't aware of the law of productivity, and she did manage to meet her deadlines and study for exams and think up of her research topic. ( with a little help from her friends...)

And thus, she finished her exams, submitted all the assignments by the deadlines, and sat down to work for her project.

Or she thought she did.

You see, she pretended to work, because let's be honest, she had no clue what she was supposed to be doing in the research project. She had never done anything like that ever before. It was too daunting a task...and there was so much time! She would figure it out..
So, after a lot of pretend-work (and also a bit of actual work) she eventually convinced herself that she had been working very, very hard. (and I agree. Pretend-work isn't easy you know. All that pretension! It's tiring!)  Her belief spread to the extent that when there was little time left , she thought - "Oh, I have been working so hard the past few months, I really deserve a break!"


Which is how this post came into existence.






Notes:
1. Sorry for the shameless bit of advertising there ! But, that's how promotions work don't they?
2. The above story is a complete fictional account, believe me. (Ofcourse I don't pretend-work!)
3. For someone actually interested, my thesis is titled : "Determinants of child health in the context of gender inequality : A study in rural Haryana and Kerela "

(This is a working title. And please don't ask me further questions about it since I happen to know not a lot.)

My favourite things

Going through my old posts, I realize, not only have I been a tad bit infrequent, I have also never written a post about the many things I love. ( I may or may not have been inspired by the song My favourite things!)  After all, an aspiring writer (yes , that's me!) should first write about the things they love, the things they turn to when they are feeling blue. Such things are easiest to write about; minimal amount of thinking is required!

Coming back to my favourite things, I must admit I never thought about this until very recently. You think you know yourself very well, and suddenly if this question is popped to you; you fluster to give an answer that best defines you. After having thought a lot about this; I have realized I love the following things : (in no particular order)

Food

I am an Indian. I am a Delhiite. How can I NOT love food? I am a self confessed foodie; and there literally have been times when I have eaten myself sick. (that's nothing to be proud of, I realize) I appreciate good food, I (now) understand the work that goes behind making a good meal. Food is something I definitely turn to when I'm blue! Food is a primal need, no wonder it goes a long way in making me feel better.!

 Reading

I somehow have those 'feeling blue' days quite often, and I cannot rely on food all the time. Being a girl dictates that I watch my weight all the time (Sob!) As much as I would love to eat all the time, I cannot, and that is when I turn to reading. Reading offers me an escape that little else can; I can read  and for a while I can become the character in the book, whose life is being determined by another human just like me. It is fascinating and rejuvenating to live as someone else, in another world, even if for a short duration. I have always recognized reading as a hobby, but it was more because of lack of any other activities in childhood. Reading was a pastime, something I turned to when I didn't have anything better to do. Having always been a shy child, books were the world of solace; they were my first friends. Reading has developed into a habit which now proves to be very beneficial; and of course I love it when I find someone with similar interests in books (it is an excellent conversation starter for someone like me; who otherwise finds it difficult to talk to new people!)

Writing

The reason for this blog. The reason for this post.  A corollary from the above point (Ah, the mathematician in me awakens!)  While reading is truly wonderful, writing is a level beyond that. Writing helps me express myself better, and in the process, I understand myself better. It has always been a creative outlet .. ( and here, a sense of deja vu! Have I written those exact same words before?) Writing connects me to myself, helps me analyse my feelings ...and helps me in stirring up the (very) occasional post for this blog! 

Nature!

No! I am not about to embark on speech about how we must be thankful for this beautiful nature mother Earth has given us (although we must be thankful and stop all the environment degradation....) 

No, by nature I mean the beautiful patterns nature weaves out for us in the form of trees, flowers, rivers, mountains, sunrises and sunsets, clouds.. The list is endless. The thing which makes me most peaceful is the beauty of nature. Just sit in a park, or near a river or an ocean; and witness the beauty all around..and not just the natural beauty, also experience the beauty of innocence of children playing, the beauty of a teenage couple sneaking glances at each other as they walk together, the beauty of an old couple walking hand in hand, the beauty of a mother with her child, the beauty of people with their pets. Families, and groups of friends, all these things make me feel a little less lonely, and make me feel blessed for having such things in my life.This gives me the tranquillity when my mind is in its (alarmingly often) agitated state... 

There. I just described the things I love in this world. Just writing about these things make me happy!

In case you aren't particularly happy right now; try listening to the song which (sort of) inspired this post : 

 

And if you still don't feel happy, just remember a few of your favourite things! :D 

My (Rainy) Days in England..

Today is a sunny day (amidst days of storm and incessant rain) and this rare event encouraged me to write this blog that I have been procrastinating about..

A rare sunny day..and yes, that's my shadow! 

I have completed almost 5 months in the UK. It seems like a long time, but honestly, it seems to have flown away. Studying for a Masters is not an easy task, as I  have realized. Living alone in a new country just adds to the challenge. However this is not to say I am not loving it! Every day is a new experience, and I continue to be overwhelmed on a daily basis. Southampton is a beautiful, historic, student friendly city, different from New Delhi in every way. It is an unfamiliar territory, and yet I feel safer here than I ever did back home. Things seem easy and convenient here. Having friends from all over the world make me aware of my own ignorance about their cultures, ashamedly so. Meeting new people also gives me new insights into what they think about India, and I love to enlighten them about the wonderful land that is India. Bollywood movies and songs seem to be something that are universally loved, maybe because of the colours or the music, or just the energetic dance moves that accompany these songs!

There are  many different things that can be said about the British food (Tea and Scones,  fish and chips)  British mannerisms (Please, I'm sorry; thank you!) or about the weather (' It's raining!' 'Well what do you expect, its England!'); but the thing which is most interesting to me is how genuinely cheerful and friendly the people seem, and you can strike up a wonderful conversation with anyone just by talking about the weather. That seems to be the common topic, over which you can talk for hours, making a new friend in the process. (and if you can master the British sarcasm.. well then, you shall fit in perfectly here)

Oh! How can I forget the English accent , that's loved universally, and which reminds me of the Harry Potter movies, and of childhood when I was so desperate to speak 'like them'. Sadly though, I have yet not mastered it, although I hope to before I leave this country.

United Kingdom has been the mystical land where all my favourite characters from Enid Blyton's imagination lived. It was the place of boarding schools, of prim and proper school children,the land of Hogwarts, of Sherlock Holmes. Home of the Queen, home to the oldest universities in the English speaking world. It was the place from where Titanic left for its maiden voyage (interestingly, the port was Southampton). It is home to some of my favourite authors. It  is a place I had always wanted to visit, and now studying here is like a dream come true.

The clouds gathering in... 

And as expected, the sun has hidden amongst the clouds, and the sky is grey once again..

Looking Ahead!

I have changed a lot of schools and have moved to many new places throughout my life, thanks to my father being in a transferable job. This instilled in me a natural love and excitement for new places. Any apprehensions I would ever have about moving would soon be replaced by the excitement that yet another adventure was waiting for me, as for me, moving to a totally new city and meeting new people was nothing short of a great adventure. I loved exploring the city and discovering its charms, and shifting into yet another house which we had to make our very own home was something which I loved. As I grew older, however, the nomadic life lost its fun; settling in a new city was not as exciting as it once seemed,  it could never replace the loss of old friends and familiarity.
Soon however, the transfers became less frequent, and now I have been living in the place I call home for some 7 odd years.
Now , once again a time has come for me to move. To a whole new country, not just a new city or another state. This time it is going to be harder than it has ever been, because this is the first time when I will be going alone and not with my parents. People expect me to be excited and enthusiastic, and I try. But the feeling of losing all that is familiar to me takes over. The realization that I am an adult hits hard. This doesn't mean I am not looking forward to this new phase, one which will definitely be one of the most amazing years of my life. In two weeks, I will have everything I've always wanted as a child : the freedom to explore myself and the world, ability to make my own decisions and living my life the way I want to. Certainly, this is like a rite of passage into adulthood which everyone in this world has to go through at some point in their lives, to grow up into a well rounded individual. It is just hard to believe my time is already here!

Here's to the next one year, which is going to be one hell of a ride, with experiences to last a lifetime!

"The only thing that is constant is change."