Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

Waiting for the Un-Pause

How long is it until, we get our lives back?
Where there's no fear of sickness, no fear of a virus attack?

When we will go out and about,  without an errand at hand,
Make ordinary days special; without any grand plans.

When we'll meet up with friends for a drink,  revel in the joys of a night-out
The time will appear to pass in a blink,  and maybe, we will forget the word 'lockdown'.

When we'll dress up and go to cute places on dates;
Perhaps, we'll just be grateful to see another human face!

When we'll take a break from our homes and from the cooking,
Just to sample everything in the neighborhood bakery, relaxing in its cozy setting.

When we'll smile at babies because we think they are cute,
And they will stare back blankly... clearly giving us an attitude?

When we'll walk our pets without a time-limit,
Maybe talk to strangers, without worrying about the 'distance'.

When we'll once again see our colleagues every single day,
And celebrate birthdays, the proper way!

When we'll spend on things, maybe just out of greed,
But, maybe, now, we'll also spare a thought, for those in need!

How long until we get our lives back?
How long until everything is just a 'throwback'! 

Illusions

Maybe,  I got carried away;
by the glitter, and the shine,
due to the laughter and the wine?
I felt like it was sunshine on a cold day;
Felt like it was, finally, my time!

Maybe... I got carried away,
But who wouldn't; when you've always been astray?
And then, it seems that something's coming your way;
That something you'd always wanted but were too afraid to say...

Yes, truly, I did get carried away;
By the glitter, and by the shine...
Dreamt dreams, thought of them as rightfully 'mine';
Because, for once, I thought they wouldn't betray.
But, remember, I got carried away?

But sometimes, it's the glitter and the shine,
And the illusions that they bring (it does feel divine!);
That makes you realize that the dreams that you dreamt...
Were perhaps not ones you really meant.

And just like that, the Illusion breaks,
Leaves you wiser in its wake;
Makes you realize, life goes on:
And all your dreams? Well, the real ones are far from gone!

Reflections in the time of Corona....

I am getting lots of time to myself due to the COVID-19 outbreak and the subsequent lockdowns and mandatory staying in at homes. 

Normally, this is good news for me - an introvert - someone who likes time to herself to reflect... usually on life. 

This time around however it is very different. I find myself exposed to deepest truths about myself.. and that's not always pretty.  In the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to get to know myself. It hasn't been an easy journey at all, and somehow I naively thought it was over. 

Nope. It's perhaps a lifelong journey. And in the current situation, I am meeting a new version of myself - one who has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears...ones which I thought I had gotten over. (Naive, again?) There's the cynical voice inside my head which calls out all my mistakes and wants me to be perfect - anything less is unacceptable and thus I must constantly judge myself, never in the kindest words. 

But this forced slowdown in life is forcing me to accept myself, and listen to the cynical voice a little lesser. I am observing the cynical voice, something which isn't always possible in the daily chaos that is often my life. I'm too busy handling one thing after the other, to realize that the cynical voice in my head is indeed that - a cynical voice - and not a fact about myself. 

Now, while observing this voice, I am trying to find sources of its accusations - and I don't find any solid evidence to support the claims. Sure, sometimes it is right in some of its claims, but more often than not, it's never as bad as the voice makes it seem. It seems like the cynical voice is losing and I am winning, yay! 

So, I am now learning that it is perfectly normal to not be perfect - to be foolish sometimes and perhaps make the 'wrong' decisions. I'm learning that it is normal to make mistakes and to fail... it's everyday life for everyone in this world! Of course, all this is not a brand new realization for anyone. To accept and internalize this, however, has been a constant struggle for me. Perhaps, I will forget this when the pandemic is over and when our lives will be back on track. But, right now, at this moment -  I am able to accept these truths about myself. And that, in itself is a big win! 

I think, meeting myself was long due. Because there's this version of myself which exists in my head, which I suspect overblows the good qualities because of my inherent insecurities... oh well, that's not there anymore. Instead, I'm reframing my version of myself in my head. I'm making her based on what I really am. It's not easy of course. because it seems like I'm downgrading my perfect self (and then the cynical voice begins again..); it's disappointing at times, because if the version in my head is not perfect, what am I supposed to even aspire to be?  But, I'm also realizing that it's not fair to uphold myself to impossible standards.. because that means I'll be always setting myself up for failure. And hey, the more realistic version seems a lot more humane and fun! I'm loving getting to know myself, once again! 

Yes, this forced slowdown in life is challenging, something which all of us have been unprepared for. Yes, it is unpredictable and causes a lot of anxiety. But, as I mentioned in my last post, I think I'm one of the lucky ones in all this pandemonium - because it is very likely that I will get out of this without any significant negative impacts. And, if my journey to know myself keeps up, perhaps with a lot more confidence and self-awareness - things definitely not easy to achieve!  

Unexpected Experiences

The first time I heard about the country, Taiwan, I was an ignorant teen who didn't have much knowledge of the world or its affairs. So, when a friend told me that he was going to this country for a semester exchange program, my first thought was, 'but where is this, and why wouldn't you go to a western 'developed' country for an exchange program!'

The same friend when he came back after the exchange, proclaimed that it was his favorite country in the world (after our own, of course) - and this is a view he continues to hold to this day. This made me intrigued, and perhaps that was what made me curious and sowed the seeds in me about wanting to visit this country someday.

I love being by myself, so when somehow circumstances came together to give me an opportunity to travel alone to Taiwan, of course, I took it up! And while I do not have a 'how a solo trip changed my life' story; it did give me a lot of insights about myself that I never thought was true. This visit was somewhat of a 'dream come true'; something I never thought would happen to me ; yet sometimes life surprises you in the nicest ways.

I am always concerned with identities, especially about my own. Over the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to understand and discover myself; and have been taking pride in the fact that I have managed to understand myself a fair bit. I am now in my late 20s, and I had thought that whatever I had thought and believed about myself was true and based on a fair bit of evidence, and also, somewhat permanent. It was exactly this assumption that was challenged while I was traveling by myself.

But first, about Taiwan! I had high expectations, which were rightly fulfilled. It helped that I already knew a local there - an old friend from university - and in large parts, it was her and her family's welcome and hospitality which made me love the country so much!

From the minute I landed, I never felt lost - mostly because the country is extremely welcoming to foreigners. As a female traveling alone, I am conditioned into not trusting anyone, but I felt my fears going away as I made my way through the airport, trying to find the right ways to reach the capital city. The warmth and the help given by everyone there threw me off for a bit at first - what is the motive behind that!, I found myself wondering the entire first day. After spending 5 days in the country, however, I realized that there isn't always an ulterior motive if people are helpful and nice, and that, the world is perhaps nicer than we like to admit. I have never felt more welcomed in a country like I did in Taiwan. If India believes in "Atithi Devo Bhava"; I am sure Taiwan has their version of it as well! (And perhaps other Asian countries; which I haven't had opportunities to visit)

My friend and her family were perhaps the epitome of the hospitable nature of the country. I was in Taiwan during the Chinese New Year - a time typically reserved for the family - but they not only welcomed me but included me in all their local traditions; as if I am someone they have known forever. So there I was, participating in their local Tao temple tradition for good luck, playing a traditional Chinese gambling game (beginners luck; I won, but while we were playing without any money!), learning to eat with chopsticks, and meeting extended friends and family of my host friend - who treated me like their own too! Despite not knowing the language, never once did I feel out of place. The entire time with my friend and host, I felt as though I was back home, with a close friend, but of course with a massive language barrier! :)

Taiwan is a beautiful, modern, culturally rich country.  It seems like a country which is unapologetic and so comfortable in its own skin, that it is hard not to fall in love with it.  I felt that, it was Asian enough to feel like home, yet developed enough to feel like 'foreign' - a term we in India tend to often associate with the developed countries of the west. While there, I often wondered why is it not a more sought after holiday destination - it is close to India and it is relatively cheap - but perhaps it is our collective ignorance about the rest of Asia that prevents us from thinking of it as a mainstream holiday! I'd definitely love to visit the country again, because while 5 days gave me enough time to soak in the culture; yet there are parts of the country I couldn't visit, something which I hope to do in the future.

The experience of traveling alone gives you confidence, yes, but for me, it was also about getting to know myself outside of the context of a familiar setting.  I realized that I have always seen myself in the context of what my family, society, and culture expects me to be; and it is fair - because it is exactly that which has molded me. And yet; outside of everything familiar, it was as if a new side of me was able to express herself; one who didn't feel constrained by what she is 'supposed to be'; rather, was just able to, be.
Perhaps it wasn't the country, perhaps it was just the experience, one may argue. But the warmth and the safety I felt from people there was definitely unmatched, in my experience so far.

It was a country which made me feel safe and liberated and more like myself - well, what's not to love!

Goodbye, farewell

Tom passed away on Wednesday, the 15th of November.

Tom was our pet dog, who lived a grand long life of 14 and a half years. But no amount time with a loved one seems enough, does it!

I am yet to believe it. It just doesn't register. I feel he's sitting in one of the other rooms, and I can almost sometimes hear the tap-tap sound of his paws which could be heard when he walked on the tiled floors.  This mischievous little pet of ours had forced many habits for us over the course of his life, which now, we are finding hard to let go of...

For instance, we would never leave the main door of our house open even for a few seconds, because our adventurous explorer always wanted to sneak out and explore the neighbourhood without the constraints of a leash and a human trying to control him. As I once said to my sister, we don't walk Tom, he walks us.

Another habit we developed was to remember to feed him before we ate our meals, otherwise his puppy eyes would fill you with such guilt and regret that you would curse yourself for delaying his food!

And if we were eating one of his favourite foods, his sparkling black eyes would come and beg for it, even if he had already eaten. Then be it paneer or an apple or strawberry ice cream (his favourite), or egg or milk, he would simply sit and stare at you, until you could ignore him no longer and had to oblige his innocent face.

But he often used this innocent face of his to his advantage, too. Just like a little child, if you would find him sitting very quietly and being extra affectionate to you, you could be more than a hundred percent sure that some mischief had been done. But beneath the innocent face, lay a very mischievous dog who would jump on the beds and the sofas he was forbidden to go on, as soon as we left the house! How do we know he did that? Because sometimes he would not hear the unlocking of the door and forget to jump back in time, thus getting a good round of scolding.

He was the one who would scratch on the door of my room with his paws if it was locked, requesting - no, demanding! - to be let in. And when I opened the door, his look of disdain would make me wonder if he thought of the room as his; so how could I dare to lock it.

There are a countless stories of him that I could go on about. Tom has been one of the most integral parts of my life. He made me realize my identity as a pet-owner, as an animal lover. He came into our lives when I was 11, and a large part of childhood years was spent with him. While I liked to think of him as my younger sibling, I am sure he thought of me as a kid who doesn't know anything.

He taught me a lot of things. It may seem funny how a dog can give life-lessons. But now I think about it, and I realize he did.

I would often talk to him about my troubles. And no, it would not elicit an affectionate nudge from him as one would expect, but a stare and an expression that said, "Get over it, already!". Yes, my little cute dog was all about tough love. If he could talk, he would probably tell me to stop thinking so much about what others think of me, and focus on enjoying my life. Because that is what he did everyday, all his life.  He looked out for himself before he looked out for us. We used to joke about how selfish he is, but , isn't this actually how we are supposed to live? Unless we are mentally and physically fit and happy ourselves, how can we ever expect to spread happiness and cheer and love to those around us!

He taught me to adapt quickly to all new situations. In 14 years of his life, Tom had lived in 3 cities, and in 6 different houses and locations. But never, did he exhibit any discomfort at any new place. In fact, he would always be super excited, sniffing and 'marking his territory' and looking around happily. Maybe he was a traveller and an explorer at heart, if that's even possible in dogs....

Tom wasn't just a pet to us. He was something much, much more. In the last one month he had lost much of the mobility of his hind legs and thus wasn't able to walk down the stairs from our 3rd floor house. I would carry him outside so he could walk a little, but he would wiggle out of my arms as soon as we would reach downstairs, even before we reached the small green patch where he would walk. He didn't want to cause any extra troubles, probably.

Even in the very last days of his life, he didn't want to be an inconvenience. (As if he could ever be!) He was throwing up twice or thrice a day, and not eating anything. It was an alarming situation, and obviously, he didn't have any energy to even move his head, much less move himself around. Yet, he would gingerly get up whenever he had to vomit, and do it on some papers we had spread just for this purpose. Just so cleaning up was a bit easier, my old fragile pet summoned all his energy.

The last day of his life, he was exceptionally restless. We were worried, but we thought it's probably because he is unwell. He was whimpering all day, which stopped only when someone would sit beside him. He was trying to tell us... and maybe we did understand, but were just in denial.

In the evening, I was sitting near him in my room. He was just as restless, and his eyes would flick to the door when my parents passed by. Maybe I had an inkling so I called them both, and we spent some time sitting with our dear lovely pet. We tried to feed him milk, but he wouldn't have more than 1 spoonful of his favourite food.  But something is better than nothing, we thought! He also relaxed a bit when we were sitting, giving us the illusion that he was feeling better.

But of course, it wasn't so. Just an hour later, when somehow none of us was in the same room as him, my mother heard a yelp, and asked me to check on him. I went, and my little friend was once again throwing up, this time on his bed, on himself.  He had no energy left, and I think I just knew, that something is terribly wrong here. I called my father, who held him and tried to put him in an upright position because he was unable to get up. But then and there, in my father's arms, he went away, bidding us all the final goodbye. In his last and final moments, he called out to us, and that I think was the ultimate expression of his love.

Now, our house seems empty. We don't know what to do with his leash and his bowl and his coat and his other accessories. We are struggling to deal with the loss of someone who had become an intrinsic part of our lives for the past 14 years. Dealing with the loss of a pet is just as bad, if not worse than the loss of a family member. We are all grieving in our own way: me by fooling myself into thinking that he's still here, my mother by wanting to get another dog looking exactly like Tom (who we will of course, again name Tom), my father quietly and privately while sharing his old pictures with us, and my sister by imagining how happy and healthy he must be in dog heaven.

Hope you are indeed enjoying your afterlife, little baby.

I'm cute and I know it! 

About Motivation

Motivation is such a fleeting emotion. It creeps up one fine day, when you are utterly frustrated with everything in your life; when you are depressed and desperately want a change in your life. It is this time, when motivation is at its peak. 

You decide to make your life better. Yes. I will do it. First thing tomorrow!!!

Surprisingly, for once, tomorrow does come. A bright new day, with your motivation still high, though not at its peak as it was the day before. But it is high enough to want to chase your dreams. This motivation is addicting - it makes you believe that you are capable of anything. It makes you feel good about yourself. It makes you believe that you are capable of achieving all your ever wanted. Today, you are ready to work hard like you have never done before. 

It's a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. That's the catch - I think. For a lot of people, it doesn't last. Motivation was at its peak, of course it will fall. But how much it falls makes all the difference in our life. I think that for a lot of successful people, it would fall, but stabilize at a level where it still pushes them to work hard, everyday. Probably that's how magic happens in their lives. For the rest of us, it falls so low, that it isn't long before you are back where you began - depressed, and frustrated, but a burning desire to change your life. With these thoughts, you are once again at the peak - only to fall back again ... 

I feel that to 'stabilize' your motivation at a level which will push you everyday, is a mind game. You love the adrenaline rush that comes with the peak. Those feelings are awesome! I love feeling like I am a superwoman capable of anything in the world! But how do you convince your brain that stability is good, that it is important for your success? 

For some time now, I have been trying to keep the motivation at a constant level. It is tough - extremely tough. More often than not, I feel de-motivated because of my bad habits. My brain is tuned to imagine the worse scenarios and is an absolute expert at negative thinking. Which is why I often catch myself thinking - "Oh, this isn't working, what's the point!", or "I am happy, I don't want to do these things!" Of course, I am not really happy; but who can explain this to the overbearing voice in my head which only likes instant gratification!

Motivating yourself on a daily basis is tough - and all those quotes like "If you feel like quitting, remember why you started" don't help me at all! Most of the time, why I'm on the downward slope of motivation, I am enjoying (?) the ride so much that I cannot remember why I ever started. After all, why would I want to eat healthy to lose weight when I can eat cake now and forever and feel SO GOOD!!!! 

I suppose learning to keep up my motivation always and working hard is another thing to do before I transition into a 'proper adult'. Until then, I will be enjoying the up and down rides on the slopes of Motivation! 

 

An adult, am I?

I am 23. Legally, I am an adult. The world and the society see me as one. My parents and family see me as one. However, I don't feel like one.

 At best, I feel like a 'functional' adult.

I don't know if this term even exists: but what it means I can tell you. It means that for all purposes; I am capable of functioning as an adult, and very well at that, I'd like to think. I have a job, I can drive, and I can cook. Okay, maybe the last one is a lie. I can barely cook would be more apt - but what I am trying to emphasize is that I am fully capable of living on my own, without any need to depend on anyone else. I can take care of all my basic needs by myself.

Yet, I am unable to recognize myself as an adult. There are days, when I walk into office, and feel like a child lost among grown-ups. It's the same feeling I used to get when I occasionally used to accompany my father to his workplace. I wasn't expected to take part in any 'work'; I would just sit in my father's office, watch him work, be fascinated by the amount of power he seemed to exert.

I wanted to grow up fast, be in such position soon. I too wanted to have an audience who would listen to my instructions, who would take me seriously. I too wanted to attend 'meetings', and 'conferences'.

That was more than a decade ago. Since then, I have definitely grown up - but it seems only in years. I still feel like that lost kid sometimes, only that the fascination has died down. Of course, I am nowhere as near as my father's authoritative position years ago. Yet, now that I know what's it's really like, I am not that fascinated. It could be because I no longer appreciate its value, having got what seemed unreachable 10 years ago. Or maybe, I am just not ready for it?

Some other times though, I can actually feel that I am growing up.
Just today in the morning, I read an article which I had also come across an year ago, about how to live a contended and happy life. Back then, I hadn't understood it at all - I could not even get the context. Today, I could not only understand, I could even relate to it. I was thinking about how I could use the advice given there to make positive changes in my life. It was that moment, I could feel that I was 'growing up'. How much  a difference just an year has made to me!

It's a Friday today; the most awaited day of the week for most people in the world. Today, when I realized it was a Friday, I felt happy; which made me stop for a moment, and think - "Whoa! Am I an adult!" Because well, in my world, only adults wait for Fridays so much.

I think, I am in a process of transition from a child into an adult. This transition is not very nice - because let's face it, since when is a period of uncertainty and turbulence nice? It is extremely frustrating and depressing at times; but sometimes, it is also very exciting. It is now, that I can see myself progressing towards the kind of person I have always wanted myself to be. Often, I imagine the 'adult' version of myself, and it's very exciting. The adult version of me is so knowledgeable, so confident, so motivating! She is so much better than this 'functional adult' version, and I cannot wait to be her!

The Special Person

When you come to know that someone’s first thought of the day is you, it overwhelms you. It astonishes you. You don’t know what you have done to deserve such attention; and it makes you feel extremely special and loved. That someone, is always willing to take your calls – so much so that they will set aside whatever they’re doing, just to talk to you for 5 minutes.  Rarely does it happen that they miss a call from you; and if it happens, they will promptly call back as soon as they get the time.The person  is always there for you; who can find a solution to all your problems. Someone who loves you so much, that it gets annoying, because they are worried about your well being all the time. It is a very gratifying feeling to have such a special person in one's life.

This special person is my mother. 

In the process of growing up, we forget about our parents. I assume that this is especially tough for a mother whose life has always revolved around her children. Suddenly her children have new interests, new friends, maybe even new people they love. In the midst of all this, we may just forget how unconditionally a mother loves. You don’t talk to her for days (which never happens in my case) – and the next time you call, her first question would be about your well being. My mother drives me insane sometimes with the amount of questions she asks: What did you have for breakfast? When did you sleep last night? Are you taking care of yourself? Is everything alright or is there something you want to share? Mind you, these are asked on a daily basis. I have to answer such questions repeatedly, everyday; and it irritates me to no end. More often than not, to each question I give a sarcastic answer – which doesn’t answer her question at all. Yet, she never fails to ask these questions, every single day.. in the hope of getting a proper answer someday, maybe?

My mother is my friend, and I like to think that I am hers. We gossip, we share our views (which means that I try to impose my views on her!), we support each other, and sometimes, we also fight. This is when I have to remind myself of the things she does for me as a mother – and as her child I should be respectful and loving towards her; and that she is always there for me does not mean that I can take her for granted. 

My mother holds multiple roles in my life – but perhaps the most important one is of her role as the person I can depend on, forever. I don’t know if there is a word to describe such a person, but if there is, she is the perfect example for that. 

Once, I asked her, to define what happiness is to her.  She simply stated: ‘The happiness of my two daughters.’ That one sentence sums up the important position we hold in her life; and I hope we are able to make her happy! 

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. Continue to be the strong woman that you are! 

What are your hobbies?

'Ugh,here comes again. Another form, another field where I have to fill in my hobbies!'

Oh, how I hate that word. Hobbies. What are hobbies anyway? Let's see. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines it as 

'a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation'. Okay. Soo,for me, that is sleeping!! 

Yes I love sleeping. I'm not ashamed to admit it! (ok, maybe just a little!) The fact is though, that outside of my 'regular occupation' the only thing I like to do for relaxation is sleep. Nothing else calms my nerves like hours tucked away in my blanket, pondering over the meaning of life subconsciously. People want to come back home and sleep when they have had a bad day. I wonder if everyday is a bad day for me then? 

Trust me, I do not exaggerate when I say I love sleeping. I love sleeping so much that there have been multiple times when I have woken up tired by all the sleeping. I love sleeping so much that after waking up after a 13 hour sleep, I have chosen to voluntarily work out to get rid of the pent up energy inside me. I love sleeping so much that my naps are at-least  3- 4 hours long. I have slept in the middle of classes, in the middle of conversations. I have slept through earthquakes. If I were given an option between meeting J K Rowling and sleeping, I might probably have a tough time deciding... 

In that context, when someone asks me about my hobbies, I am at a loss of words. I cannot say 'sleeping' - because well, hobbies are supposed to be 'productive' and 'creative'. Sleeping isn't either of that. (Although I could debate for the creative bit!). 

Admit that you love sleeping, and you will be judged - you will be called lazy, you will be told that you are wasting your time sleeping away. Quotes such as 'nobody remembers the nights they slept' will be thrown at you to persuade you for a night out. (Oh, but I remember ALL the nights I had a good sleep!). People might mock you, they would give you nicknames relating to your love for sleep. But guess what? If you love sleep, it won't bother you. Because that's what true love is. It doesn't care for judgements, because others cannot understand that bond, that feeling. Oh, how I pity those who have not experienced such love... 

And today, I will be dreaming about the world where sleeping is a respectable hobby.. 

The Right of choice

It was a wonderful day for her.She was on cloud nine. Not only had she just got her dream job, she would also soon be going abroad for the first time! She was pinching herself repeatedly to believe that it was all true - that it was not all just a manifestation of her brain.
Five years ago, she would never have imagined that such events would ever happen in her life. All her life, she had been always struggling to find normalcy. She never knew the meaning of love, the meaning of care. She had felt always felt misfit, always felt alienated. Nobody ever knew what she was going through - In school, teachers dismissed her silence as a product of her being shy. After all, there are always some shy students in the class! 
Yet, it was far from the truth. She had lost her father in a war, and that was the end of a 'normal' life for her as she knew it. Soon thereafter her mother had abandoned her to be with a man who would not have accepted a daughter. Her parents had not married for love anyway, and it seemed a convenient situation for the mother to abandon her 'undesirable' child.
She had then been adopted by a seemingly benevolent man, who catered for all her expenses; in return for a small pay. He thought she was very lucky to have been adopted by him - and ensured that she always remained aware of this fact. 
She was a devoutly religious girl, and her faith in God only increased during these tough circumstances, Him being the only one she could turn to. She believed that there was a reason that all this had happened to her; and in this process of finding answers she devoured all the religious scriptures. She devoted herself to the study of religion. She may not have found an answer, but it definitely shaped her life to a great extent.

But now, she finally had dared to dream.She had escaped the horrors of her past; and was on her way to becoming an independent woman. She was one of the few women in her profession, making her feel even more accomplished, since the industry traditionally recruited only males. It was flattering, to say the least. And she had been offered one of the most competitive positions too!

It was an year before she went on the much awaited trip abroad. Her trainings had finished, and now she was on the way for a very important project - something that might even gain her international attention if everything went well. She felt that this was the day she had been preparing for all her life. This was the goal, the purpose of her life. This is why she had been subjected to such adverse circumstances in her life, because she was God's favourite child, because she was to attain heaven after her death...

And so, chanting the name of God, she flipped the switch on her explosive vest.

A year has passed!

It was twenty(something) years ago, that I was born, and I ‘met’ the best person in my life, my sister.

It was some ten years ago, that I met the best person in her life. (I was replaced, *sob*!)

It was one year ago, that the best person in my life, and the best person in her life, got married (finally!)

It was during this year, that I also realized, that I would be irreplaceable in my sister’s life (Yay! *relief*)

Congratulations Di and Jiju, for completing one year of married life. I cannot say togetherness, because God (and you both) only know how long have you been together. Seems like ten years to me….yes, people, it’s been that long!

How often do you meet someone, make them your ‘best friend’ only to end up falling in love? Yes, this sounds like the plot of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, right? I know. Love for SRK probably inspired my sister to follow the plot line, and lo and behold, the epic story of ‘A n B’ was written.

In short, they met, on the first day of college. My sister, the arrogant girl from Delhi, my Jiju, a humble and down to earth boy from Banaras. As expected, sparks didn’t fly, from either side. Both were too busy being interested in other people to notice each other.  As destiny would have it, they became lab partners, and then ‘best friends’. They were such good friends that they helped the other (try) to get their dream partner. And neither of them succeeded… clearly, they suck at matchmaking! (So don’t even try doing that for me!)

And now, imagine a cloud lifting if you will... and romantic music in the background... autumn leaves flying. The cloud lifts, and they see each other in a new light. A clichéd story to the core, they realize – ‘the one I was looking for has been here all along!’

Yes, this is the story of How they met…and fell in love. How they got married is a completely different (and long, and adventurous) story. It was years and years of persistence that finally culminated last January.  28^th January, 2014 is etched in everyone’s mind as the day nobody ever thought would come. It was a gala festival, a big celebration, the best month of my life! To see both of them finally get married and be so happy remains till date, the best moment of my life.

My sister is still the arrogant girl, from Delhi. My Jiju is still the humble and down to earth guy from Banaras…and yet they make it work.  Seeing them together makes me believe in the power of love, and friendship and family.

Di and Jiju, wish you all the happiness in the world. Both of you are wonderful, awesome, amazing, caring people, and I feel lucky to call you family. (This last part for Jiju only :P)

I love you both lots!

(And now I want some return gift. Thanks.)

(Also, Didi will probably scold me for calling her arrogant. But now it’s done)

Was it magic?

 

There was once a girl and her dog

One loved food, the other loved frogs...

It so happened one fine summer’s day,

When the sun was blazing away;

The girl and her dog were home alone

And the heat had gotten to them both.

 The poor girl sat in her room, trying to study;

While the dog was roaming about, “probably being grumpy!”

She decided to find the dog, and see if he needed water

“Surely, the heat for him must be a bigger bother!”

Lo and behold, what should she find:  

The dog in the other room, sleeping like a child! 

The AC was switched on, and the room was cool

She was shocked, and felt like a fool!

“Is there someone else in the house, waiting to attack?

(The dog could have been courteous, and invited me perhaps)

After all, who else could have switched on the air conditioner?

Surely a dog is not capable of this endeavor…”

Yet nobody else in the house she could find,

Was it the dog or was it some power divine? 

It was a mystery, and it remains so till this day,

Who did it, nobody could say!

There was once a girl and her dog,

And one was smart, the other was not …

Is he the culprit? ....I don't think so either! 

This may or may not have been inspired by real life events, that depends on who you are deciding was the smart one... 

PS: The above poem is dedicated to Tom, who is the cutest and the best (also the worst) dog ever! 

Dissertation : Work in Progress (?)

With just a few days left to submit my (atleast) 15,000 words dissertation; I am (but, of course) stressed... because as always, I have been waiting until the last minute to actually  start my work. (though I have been giving my supervisor the impression that I have been putting in all hours of my life in this project...Or so I hope?) With the deadline fast approaching and my work (very) slowly progressing, it is a miracle how have I not hit the panic button yet.
For the people who may be even mildly interested in what is my research topic, I shall enlighten you today. For those who are not.. well then, you must still read, because , honestly, you also know you are just procrastinating from your work when you came across this blog, why not spend a few minutes and know what is it about?
(For those who are actually not  procrastinating, my apologies, you may now continue to your work; because the following might not be terribly important for you anyway...)

So I shall try to put down this journey of my  research project (so far) as succinctly as possible.

 (Just a random thought : I have a tendency to be the most creative when I have overwhelming amounts of work.. case in point: the post I wrote during exams! Wasn't that the best piece of writing you ever read or what!

OK. You don't need to tell me you don't agree with that.
 Because it was indeed the best piece of writing humankind has ever witnessed in the history of the world!

Just a slight exaggeration. Never mind, because , "Within every elaborate lie lies a kernel of truth.." ~Someone

Yes I just googled it to put in the blog to make it seem like I can fit in quotes whenever I like 'cos ofcourse I am well read and I remember every quote of every book I have ever read and I can put in a quote anywhere and everywhere just to make it sound like I am so smart.

and that  is how you increase the word-count ,people!

Sorry, this has been one huge bracket comment. I tend to deviate!)

So, yes, to the serious matter of my thesis so far.

Once upon a time there was a young woman who was very much passionate about doing something worthwhile in her life. (Apparently writing a blog twice a year does not count! I know I was shocked to learn that too..!) Anyway, she had no idea how to proceed to do the same. It must have been destiny then, that she enrolled in a graduate program in social statistics, one that demanded her to do an engaging project at the end.

It was a summer's evening in late April when the class was told they need to start thinking about their thesis and potential topics, and start meeting potential supervisors to discuss the validity of their project. Naturally, everyone was thrown off track and were infuriated at this bit of information.  "Don't they know that we have approximately a million deadlines and exams coming up in less than a month? They actually expect us to think?"
But the world doesn't work our way, because even though they had a million deadlines, they had also been given a million years to do it. (They must be really lazy students to not work until the last minute...)

Anyhow, this young woman was also perturbed. She hadn't even started thinking about her dissertation, and now she was suddenly expected to meet professors and discuss her research goals with them; there just wasn't enough time for everything!

However, there is the Law of Productivity ( which I firmly believe in, and it is not at all made up) which states : "The level of productivity of a person shall be constant (and low) ; unless and until the amount of time left to complete the said work approaches zero, after which the productivity increases exponentially"
In other words, productivity is inversely proportional to time.

Which means that, even though the young woman knew there was no time, she wasn't aware of the law of productivity, and she did manage to meet her deadlines and study for exams and think up of her research topic. ( with a little help from her friends...)

And thus, she finished her exams, submitted all the assignments by the deadlines, and sat down to work for her project.

Or she thought she did.

You see, she pretended to work, because let's be honest, she had no clue what she was supposed to be doing in the research project. She had never done anything like that ever before. It was too daunting a task...and there was so much time! She would figure it out..
So, after a lot of pretend-work (and also a bit of actual work) she eventually convinced herself that she had been working very, very hard. (and I agree. Pretend-work isn't easy you know. All that pretension! It's tiring!)  Her belief spread to the extent that when there was little time left , she thought - "Oh, I have been working so hard the past few months, I really deserve a break!"


Which is how this post came into existence.






Notes:
1. Sorry for the shameless bit of advertising there ! But, that's how promotions work don't they?
2. The above story is a complete fictional account, believe me. (Ofcourse I don't pretend-work!)
3. For someone actually interested, my thesis is titled : "Determinants of child health in the context of gender inequality : A study in rural Haryana and Kerela "

(This is a working title. And please don't ask me further questions about it since I happen to know not a lot.)

My favourite things

Going through my old posts, I realize, not only have I been a tad bit infrequent, I have also never written a post about the many things I love. ( I may or may not have been inspired by the song My favourite things!)  After all, an aspiring writer (yes , that's me!) should first write about the things they love, the things they turn to when they are feeling blue. Such things are easiest to write about; minimal amount of thinking is required!

Coming back to my favourite things, I must admit I never thought about this until very recently. You think you know yourself very well, and suddenly if this question is popped to you; you fluster to give an answer that best defines you. After having thought a lot about this; I have realized I love the following things : (in no particular order)

Food

I am an Indian. I am a Delhiite. How can I NOT love food? I am a self confessed foodie; and there literally have been times when I have eaten myself sick. (that's nothing to be proud of, I realize) I appreciate good food, I (now) understand the work that goes behind making a good meal. Food is something I definitely turn to when I'm blue! Food is a primal need, no wonder it goes a long way in making me feel better.!

 Reading

I somehow have those 'feeling blue' days quite often, and I cannot rely on food all the time. Being a girl dictates that I watch my weight all the time (Sob!) As much as I would love to eat all the time, I cannot, and that is when I turn to reading. Reading offers me an escape that little else can; I can read  and for a while I can become the character in the book, whose life is being determined by another human just like me. It is fascinating and rejuvenating to live as someone else, in another world, even if for a short duration. I have always recognized reading as a hobby, but it was more because of lack of any other activities in childhood. Reading was a pastime, something I turned to when I didn't have anything better to do. Having always been a shy child, books were the world of solace; they were my first friends. Reading has developed into a habit which now proves to be very beneficial; and of course I love it when I find someone with similar interests in books (it is an excellent conversation starter for someone like me; who otherwise finds it difficult to talk to new people!)

Writing

The reason for this blog. The reason for this post.  A corollary from the above point (Ah, the mathematician in me awakens!)  While reading is truly wonderful, writing is a level beyond that. Writing helps me express myself better, and in the process, I understand myself better. It has always been a creative outlet .. ( and here, a sense of deja vu! Have I written those exact same words before?) Writing connects me to myself, helps me analyse my feelings ...and helps me in stirring up the (very) occasional post for this blog! 

Nature!

No! I am not about to embark on speech about how we must be thankful for this beautiful nature mother Earth has given us (although we must be thankful and stop all the environment degradation....) 

No, by nature I mean the beautiful patterns nature weaves out for us in the form of trees, flowers, rivers, mountains, sunrises and sunsets, clouds.. The list is endless. The thing which makes me most peaceful is the beauty of nature. Just sit in a park, or near a river or an ocean; and witness the beauty all around..and not just the natural beauty, also experience the beauty of innocence of children playing, the beauty of a teenage couple sneaking glances at each other as they walk together, the beauty of an old couple walking hand in hand, the beauty of a mother with her child, the beauty of people with their pets. Families, and groups of friends, all these things make me feel a little less lonely, and make me feel blessed for having such things in my life.This gives me the tranquillity when my mind is in its (alarmingly often) agitated state... 

There. I just described the things I love in this world. Just writing about these things make me happy!

In case you aren't particularly happy right now; try listening to the song which (sort of) inspired this post : 

 

And if you still don't feel happy, just remember a few of your favourite things! :D 

Exam Time is here again!

Here I am, updating this blog after months again..(In my defence, I have been busy with assignments, courseworks and exams.... Ah, the 'perks' of being a Masters Student) and while my exams are still going on I decide to procrastinate, and what better way to do this by writing!( because of course, updating my blog is waaay more important than trying to think about the Bayesian Statistics exam I have in a day.) 

While trying to think of an interesting anecdote I can write about, I draw a blank. Is there absolutely nothing worth sharing or writing about? 

I could write about the recently concluded Indian Elections; but I do not want to inadvertently take sides and then end up in debates over the internet. After all, defending your stance is not an easy job! 

(Although I would love to write something about our Congress Vice President,  the 'prince' of India,  how must he be feeling after seeing the party suffer its worst defeat ever? Going by his expressions on the Result Day, however, I do not think he even realized that the Congress has lost by that big a margin) 

Yes! Stalling the readers for a few minutes has worked, because now I am about to share with you something no one would have ever before. Something that will, believe me, will change your life ..

And now, imagine some drum rolls please, if you will...

Life as a student at a British University

No,  this isn't my University. Wish it was though!

What? Do I hear you thinking that this is not at all something that has never been shared with you before? That there are countless blogs/articles/video blogs/pictures (did I miss out anything?) with the exact same title, and all of which you have read/seen and you might as well consider yourself to be an expert on the subject. 

(In case you do not fall in the category above, well , good for me!) 

However, dear readers, please bear with me, because my experiences as a student at a British University are definitely not something you must have read about before. 

First, for those who don't know me, (because I like to believe that there are many people who don't know me, reading my blog) a brief introduction . Formally, I am a Statistics student (yes I love data, no I do not know how that data can affect your life decisions) studying at the University of Southampton, UK. I have completed a Bachelor's in Mathematics from the University of Delhi in India... but these things do not define me. I am a person who loves writing, loves reading, loves eating (but hates cooking!). Some find me friendly, some find me reserved, and I agree I am both...

In short, I am just like any other person, trying to find her way in this world.. 

Life as a student at a British University is everything I imagined it would be, and more. I thought the professors here would be very knowledgeable, very enthusiastic, very keen. Turns out, that's something you can't generalize. There are all sorts of people everywhere, and I have some amazing professors here, but there are some who could care less about the students and the modules. As a student you are expected to be very independent and have the ability to work things out on your own. This came as  a rude shock to me, because , well , in India we had always been offered things on a platter. ('We're spoon-feeding you!' was something my professors always said, and then still  continued to do that.) However, studies are less rigorous here than expected (which is not to say that I am not completely swamped with work!) You are not expected to memorise things, just understand and apply the concepts. Again, this was a rude shock to the Delhi University graduate who is writing this, as in her undergraduate days she only understood and applied concepts that were 'important' (which translates as: This is definitely coming in the exam, just learn this bit and you are good to go) 

The universities are very hi-tech here, and essentially all work you do is on a computer. Now while this is very convenient, it also has some major disadvantages. There are so many options to procrastinate when you are studying on your computer! (Case in point: now) There are just so many times a student will resist the temptations before thinking 'oh, facebook for just 5 minutes, before I continue my work in the other window' , or , 'I can chat with friends on facebook, watch a football match , read the news, and study at the same time! Of course I can!'; and since all of these options are now on the computer, there is no shame associated with not studying, because, after all, you have your work/study notes open in the other window. Of course I'm studying, how dare you suggest otherwise!

One thing that I have realized here is how community driven our society is. All Indians I have met here are very helpful and friendly, and there is a sense of belonging when we're all together; and I believe it is the same with students from other communities. While it is true that people can relate more to people from their own country/region, I never imagined I would make more Indian friends in the UK than I ever did in India.. (yes, that's only partly true; but I am a statistician..I can manipulate numbers to prove my statements!)

 The University Interchange. I spend a lot of time waiting for buses here

Oh and how can I not talk about food. I don't think this has anything to do with being in a British University though, I think it must be universally true. Everything is either too expensive, too unsuited to my tastes.. or sometimes just too raw.(Imagine, having to cook your own food! The horror! ) There come times when you have some benevolent friends who sometimes cook for you; and then you can't thank god enough for sending them into your life. 

Then there are times when you learn to get by with whatever limited cooking abilities you have, and find comfort in your own cooked food. I have never felt more accomplished than when I managed to successfully make a proper meal for myself; which just makes me feel I can do anything and everything if I can cook. Bring it on! I am ready! 

To see the good side of things, there are often some really ground breaking researches going on in the university which inspire feelings of awe; and if you're lucky, one of your professors might be the ones doing such awe-striking work. Seeing such inspiring people in close quarters makes you humble and grateful for having such opportunities. The options provided for learning are immense! I have met such a plethora of people , and I have learnt so much about the world. I now know little things such as everyday cultures and traditions that can probably be never learnt through any amount of reading. Sometimes you just need to experience things, because no piece of writing can ever truly justify the experiences of a lifetime!

(I realize this didn’t really change your life. I can't believe you believed that....) 

Looking Ahead!

I have changed a lot of schools and have moved to many new places throughout my life, thanks to my father being in a transferable job. This instilled in me a natural love and excitement for new places. Any apprehensions I would ever have about moving would soon be replaced by the excitement that yet another adventure was waiting for me, as for me, moving to a totally new city and meeting new people was nothing short of a great adventure. I loved exploring the city and discovering its charms, and shifting into yet another house which we had to make our very own home was something which I loved. As I grew older, however, the nomadic life lost its fun; settling in a new city was not as exciting as it once seemed,  it could never replace the loss of old friends and familiarity.
Soon however, the transfers became less frequent, and now I have been living in the place I call home for some 7 odd years.
Now , once again a time has come for me to move. To a whole new country, not just a new city or another state. This time it is going to be harder than it has ever been, because this is the first time when I will be going alone and not with my parents. People expect me to be excited and enthusiastic, and I try. But the feeling of losing all that is familiar to me takes over. The realization that I am an adult hits hard. This doesn't mean I am not looking forward to this new phase, one which will definitely be one of the most amazing years of my life. In two weeks, I will have everything I've always wanted as a child : the freedom to explore myself and the world, ability to make my own decisions and living my life the way I want to. Certainly, this is like a rite of passage into adulthood which everyone in this world has to go through at some point in their lives, to grow up into a well rounded individual. It is just hard to believe my time is already here!

Here's to the next one year, which is going to be one hell of a ride, with experiences to last a lifetime!

"The only thing that is constant is change."