Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

About Motivation

Motivation is such a fleeting emotion. It creeps up one fine day, when you are utterly frustrated with everything in your life; when you are depressed and desperately want a change in your life. It is this time, when motivation is at its peak. 

You decide to make your life better. Yes. I will do it. First thing tomorrow!!!

Surprisingly, for once, tomorrow does come. A bright new day, with your motivation still high, though not at its peak as it was the day before. But it is high enough to want to chase your dreams. This motivation is addicting - it makes you believe that you are capable of anything. It makes you feel good about yourself. It makes you believe that you are capable of achieving all your ever wanted. Today, you are ready to work hard like you have never done before. 

It's a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. That's the catch - I think. For a lot of people, it doesn't last. Motivation was at its peak, of course it will fall. But how much it falls makes all the difference in our life. I think that for a lot of successful people, it would fall, but stabilize at a level where it still pushes them to work hard, everyday. Probably that's how magic happens in their lives. For the rest of us, it falls so low, that it isn't long before you are back where you began - depressed, and frustrated, but a burning desire to change your life. With these thoughts, you are once again at the peak - only to fall back again ... 

I feel that to 'stabilize' your motivation at a level which will push you everyday, is a mind game. You love the adrenaline rush that comes with the peak. Those feelings are awesome! I love feeling like I am a superwoman capable of anything in the world! But how do you convince your brain that stability is good, that it is important for your success? 

For some time now, I have been trying to keep the motivation at a constant level. It is tough - extremely tough. More often than not, I feel de-motivated because of my bad habits. My brain is tuned to imagine the worse scenarios and is an absolute expert at negative thinking. Which is why I often catch myself thinking - "Oh, this isn't working, what's the point!", or "I am happy, I don't want to do these things!" Of course, I am not really happy; but who can explain this to the overbearing voice in my head which only likes instant gratification!

Motivating yourself on a daily basis is tough - and all those quotes like "If you feel like quitting, remember why you started" don't help me at all! Most of the time, why I'm on the downward slope of motivation, I am enjoying (?) the ride so much that I cannot remember why I ever started. After all, why would I want to eat healthy to lose weight when I can eat cake now and forever and feel SO GOOD!!!! 

I suppose learning to keep up my motivation always and working hard is another thing to do before I transition into a 'proper adult'. Until then, I will be enjoying the up and down rides on the slopes of Motivation! 

 

An adult, am I?

I am 23. Legally, I am an adult. The world and the society see me as one. My parents and family see me as one. However, I don't feel like one.

 At best, I feel like a 'functional' adult.

I don't know if this term even exists: but what it means I can tell you. It means that for all purposes; I am capable of functioning as an adult, and very well at that, I'd like to think. I have a job, I can drive, and I can cook. Okay, maybe the last one is a lie. I can barely cook would be more apt - but what I am trying to emphasize is that I am fully capable of living on my own, without any need to depend on anyone else. I can take care of all my basic needs by myself.

Yet, I am unable to recognize myself as an adult. There are days, when I walk into office, and feel like a child lost among grown-ups. It's the same feeling I used to get when I occasionally used to accompany my father to his workplace. I wasn't expected to take part in any 'work'; I would just sit in my father's office, watch him work, be fascinated by the amount of power he seemed to exert.

I wanted to grow up fast, be in such position soon. I too wanted to have an audience who would listen to my instructions, who would take me seriously. I too wanted to attend 'meetings', and 'conferences'.

That was more than a decade ago. Since then, I have definitely grown up - but it seems only in years. I still feel like that lost kid sometimes, only that the fascination has died down. Of course, I am nowhere as near as my father's authoritative position years ago. Yet, now that I know what's it's really like, I am not that fascinated. It could be because I no longer appreciate its value, having got what seemed unreachable 10 years ago. Or maybe, I am just not ready for it?

Some other times though, I can actually feel that I am growing up.
Just today in the morning, I read an article which I had also come across an year ago, about how to live a contended and happy life. Back then, I hadn't understood it at all - I could not even get the context. Today, I could not only understand, I could even relate to it. I was thinking about how I could use the advice given there to make positive changes in my life. It was that moment, I could feel that I was 'growing up'. How much  a difference just an year has made to me!

It's a Friday today; the most awaited day of the week for most people in the world. Today, when I realized it was a Friday, I felt happy; which made me stop for a moment, and think - "Whoa! Am I an adult!" Because well, in my world, only adults wait for Fridays so much.

I think, I am in a process of transition from a child into an adult. This transition is not very nice - because let's face it, since when is a period of uncertainty and turbulence nice? It is extremely frustrating and depressing at times; but sometimes, it is also very exciting. It is now, that I can see myself progressing towards the kind of person I have always wanted myself to be. Often, I imagine the 'adult' version of myself, and it's very exciting. The adult version of me is so knowledgeable, so confident, so motivating! She is so much better than this 'functional adult' version, and I cannot wait to be her!