Illusions

Maybe,  I got carried away;
by the glitter, and the shine,
due to the laughter and the wine?
I felt like it was sunshine on a cold day;
Felt like it was, finally, my time!

Maybe... I got carried away,
But who wouldn't; when you've always been astray?
And then, it seems that something's coming your way;
That something you'd always wanted but were too afraid to say...

Yes, truly, I did get carried away;
By the glitter, and by the shine...
Dreamt dreams, thought of them as rightfully 'mine';
Because, for once, I thought they wouldn't betray.
But, remember, I got carried away?

But sometimes, it's the glitter and the shine,
And the illusions that they bring (it does feel divine!);
That makes you realize that the dreams that you dreamt...
Were perhaps not ones you really meant.

And just like that, the Illusion breaks,
Leaves you wiser in its wake;
Makes you realize, life goes on:
And all your dreams? Well, the real ones are far from gone!

Reflections in the time of Corona....

I am getting lots of time to myself due to the COVID-19 outbreak and the subsequent lockdowns and mandatory staying in at homes. 

Normally, this is good news for me - an introvert - someone who likes time to herself to reflect... usually on life. 

This time around however it is very different. I find myself exposed to deepest truths about myself.. and that's not always pretty.  In the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to get to know myself. It hasn't been an easy journey at all, and somehow I naively thought it was over. 

Nope. It's perhaps a lifelong journey. And in the current situation, I am meeting a new version of myself - one who has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears...ones which I thought I had gotten over. (Naive, again?) There's the cynical voice inside my head which calls out all my mistakes and wants me to be perfect - anything less is unacceptable and thus I must constantly judge myself, never in the kindest words. 

But this forced slowdown in life is forcing me to accept myself, and listen to the cynical voice a little lesser. I am observing the cynical voice, something which isn't always possible in the daily chaos that is often my life. I'm too busy handling one thing after the other, to realize that the cynical voice in my head is indeed that - a cynical voice - and not a fact about myself. 

Now, while observing this voice, I am trying to find sources of its accusations - and I don't find any solid evidence to support the claims. Sure, sometimes it is right in some of its claims, but more often than not, it's never as bad as the voice makes it seem. It seems like the cynical voice is losing and I am winning, yay! 

So, I am now learning that it is perfectly normal to not be perfect - to be foolish sometimes and perhaps make the 'wrong' decisions. I'm learning that it is normal to make mistakes and to fail... it's everyday life for everyone in this world! Of course, all this is not a brand new realization for anyone. To accept and internalize this, however, has been a constant struggle for me. Perhaps, I will forget this when the pandemic is over and when our lives will be back on track. But, right now, at this moment -  I am able to accept these truths about myself. And that, in itself is a big win! 

I think, meeting myself was long due. Because there's this version of myself which exists in my head, which I suspect overblows the good qualities because of my inherent insecurities... oh well, that's not there anymore. Instead, I'm reframing my version of myself in my head. I'm making her based on what I really am. It's not easy of course. because it seems like I'm downgrading my perfect self (and then the cynical voice begins again..); it's disappointing at times, because if the version in my head is not perfect, what am I supposed to even aspire to be?  But, I'm also realizing that it's not fair to uphold myself to impossible standards.. because that means I'll be always setting myself up for failure. And hey, the more realistic version seems a lot more humane and fun! I'm loving getting to know myself, once again! 

Yes, this forced slowdown in life is challenging, something which all of us have been unprepared for. Yes, it is unpredictable and causes a lot of anxiety. But, as I mentioned in my last post, I think I'm one of the lucky ones in all this pandemonium - because it is very likely that I will get out of this without any significant negative impacts. And, if my journey to know myself keeps up, perhaps with a lot more confidence and self-awareness - things definitely not easy to achieve!