Monster in my Head

I have a Monster in my head
It knows, exactly what, I dread
It gnaws and nibbles at my happy thoughts
And soon, all that's left is a load of chaos

There is a Monster in my head : 
It makes me shudder, it makes me scared. 
It comes and goes on its own time;
Isn't my head supposed to be mine?

I'll tell you something : this Monster has no sense: 
It just doesn't know, somethings are best left unsaid.
It speaks the worst things, voices my greatest fears 
I wonder, then, why do I allow it to come so near?

It has its own will, perhaps a mind of its own;
But there must be things to which, even it is prone?

There's a Monster in my head, 
Why don't I take on it, instead?
Maybe turn the tables, be the one it dreads : 
Maybe I can be the Monster in its head! 

About Motivation

Motivation is such a fleeting emotion. It creeps up one fine day, when you are utterly frustrated with everything in your life; when you are depressed and desperately want a change in your life. It is this time, when motivation is at its peak. 

You decide to make your life better. Yes. I will do it. First thing tomorrow!!!

Surprisingly, for once, tomorrow does come. A bright new day, with your motivation still high, though not at its peak as it was the day before. But it is high enough to want to chase your dreams. This motivation is addicting - it makes you believe that you are capable of anything. It makes you feel good about yourself. It makes you believe that you are capable of achieving all your ever wanted. Today, you are ready to work hard like you have never done before. 

It's a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. That's the catch - I think. For a lot of people, it doesn't last. Motivation was at its peak, of course it will fall. But how much it falls makes all the difference in our life. I think that for a lot of successful people, it would fall, but stabilize at a level where it still pushes them to work hard, everyday. Probably that's how magic happens in their lives. For the rest of us, it falls so low, that it isn't long before you are back where you began - depressed, and frustrated, but a burning desire to change your life. With these thoughts, you are once again at the peak - only to fall back again ... 

I feel that to 'stabilize' your motivation at a level which will push you everyday, is a mind game. You love the adrenaline rush that comes with the peak. Those feelings are awesome! I love feeling like I am a superwoman capable of anything in the world! But how do you convince your brain that stability is good, that it is important for your success? 

For some time now, I have been trying to keep the motivation at a constant level. It is tough - extremely tough. More often than not, I feel de-motivated because of my bad habits. My brain is tuned to imagine the worse scenarios and is an absolute expert at negative thinking. Which is why I often catch myself thinking - "Oh, this isn't working, what's the point!", or "I am happy, I don't want to do these things!" Of course, I am not really happy; but who can explain this to the overbearing voice in my head which only likes instant gratification!

Motivating yourself on a daily basis is tough - and all those quotes like "If you feel like quitting, remember why you started" don't help me at all! Most of the time, why I'm on the downward slope of motivation, I am enjoying (?) the ride so much that I cannot remember why I ever started. After all, why would I want to eat healthy to lose weight when I can eat cake now and forever and feel SO GOOD!!!! 

I suppose learning to keep up my motivation always and working hard is another thing to do before I transition into a 'proper adult'. Until then, I will be enjoying the up and down rides on the slopes of Motivation! 

 

An adult, am I?

I am 23. Legally, I am an adult. The world and the society see me as one. My parents and family see me as one. However, I don't feel like one.

 At best, I feel like a 'functional' adult.

I don't know if this term even exists: but what it means I can tell you. It means that for all purposes; I am capable of functioning as an adult, and very well at that, I'd like to think. I have a job, I can drive, and I can cook. Okay, maybe the last one is a lie. I can barely cook would be more apt - but what I am trying to emphasize is that I am fully capable of living on my own, without any need to depend on anyone else. I can take care of all my basic needs by myself.

Yet, I am unable to recognize myself as an adult. There are days, when I walk into office, and feel like a child lost among grown-ups. It's the same feeling I used to get when I occasionally used to accompany my father to his workplace. I wasn't expected to take part in any 'work'; I would just sit in my father's office, watch him work, be fascinated by the amount of power he seemed to exert.

I wanted to grow up fast, be in such position soon. I too wanted to have an audience who would listen to my instructions, who would take me seriously. I too wanted to attend 'meetings', and 'conferences'.

That was more than a decade ago. Since then, I have definitely grown up - but it seems only in years. I still feel like that lost kid sometimes, only that the fascination has died down. Of course, I am nowhere as near as my father's authoritative position years ago. Yet, now that I know what's it's really like, I am not that fascinated. It could be because I no longer appreciate its value, having got what seemed unreachable 10 years ago. Or maybe, I am just not ready for it?

Some other times though, I can actually feel that I am growing up.
Just today in the morning, I read an article which I had also come across an year ago, about how to live a contended and happy life. Back then, I hadn't understood it at all - I could not even get the context. Today, I could not only understand, I could even relate to it. I was thinking about how I could use the advice given there to make positive changes in my life. It was that moment, I could feel that I was 'growing up'. How much  a difference just an year has made to me!

It's a Friday today; the most awaited day of the week for most people in the world. Today, when I realized it was a Friday, I felt happy; which made me stop for a moment, and think - "Whoa! Am I an adult!" Because well, in my world, only adults wait for Fridays so much.

I think, I am in a process of transition from a child into an adult. This transition is not very nice - because let's face it, since when is a period of uncertainty and turbulence nice? It is extremely frustrating and depressing at times; but sometimes, it is also very exciting. It is now, that I can see myself progressing towards the kind of person I have always wanted myself to be. Often, I imagine the 'adult' version of myself, and it's very exciting. The adult version of me is so knowledgeable, so confident, so motivating! She is so much better than this 'functional adult' version, and I cannot wait to be her!

The Special Person

When you come to know that someone’s first thought of the day is you, it overwhelms you. It astonishes you. You don’t know what you have done to deserve such attention; and it makes you feel extremely special and loved. That someone, is always willing to take your calls – so much so that they will set aside whatever they’re doing, just to talk to you for 5 minutes.  Rarely does it happen that they miss a call from you; and if it happens, they will promptly call back as soon as they get the time.The person  is always there for you; who can find a solution to all your problems. Someone who loves you so much, that it gets annoying, because they are worried about your well being all the time. It is a very gratifying feeling to have such a special person in one's life.

This special person is my mother. 

In the process of growing up, we forget about our parents. I assume that this is especially tough for a mother whose life has always revolved around her children. Suddenly her children have new interests, new friends, maybe even new people they love. In the midst of all this, we may just forget how unconditionally a mother loves. You don’t talk to her for days (which never happens in my case) – and the next time you call, her first question would be about your well being. My mother drives me insane sometimes with the amount of questions she asks: What did you have for breakfast? When did you sleep last night? Are you taking care of yourself? Is everything alright or is there something you want to share? Mind you, these are asked on a daily basis. I have to answer such questions repeatedly, everyday; and it irritates me to no end. More often than not, to each question I give a sarcastic answer – which doesn’t answer her question at all. Yet, she never fails to ask these questions, every single day.. in the hope of getting a proper answer someday, maybe?

My mother is my friend, and I like to think that I am hers. We gossip, we share our views (which means that I try to impose my views on her!), we support each other, and sometimes, we also fight. This is when I have to remind myself of the things she does for me as a mother – and as her child I should be respectful and loving towards her; and that she is always there for me does not mean that I can take her for granted. 

My mother holds multiple roles in my life – but perhaps the most important one is of her role as the person I can depend on, forever. I don’t know if there is a word to describe such a person, but if there is, she is the perfect example for that. 

Once, I asked her, to define what happiness is to her.  She simply stated: ‘The happiness of my two daughters.’ That one sentence sums up the important position we hold in her life; and I hope we are able to make her happy! 

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. Continue to be the strong woman that you are! 

Trip to the mountains

Himachal is a state very close to my heart. I was fortunate enough to spend a part of my childhood in Shimla, the capital city of this beautiful state, and even the name of the state brings back vivid  memories of a very happy childhood spent there. Thus, it was nothing short of a very pleasant surprise when I got to know that I would be travelling to Himachal, as part of the Lakhon Mein Ek Campaign being conducted by Pratham. Travelling for work isn’t always fun, but if your organization is sending you to the place where you can reminiscence your childhood, who would not love to go!

I arrived in Shimla a few days ago. It was like stepping back in time. Everything seemed to be just the same as I had left it, a decade ago. My favourite eateries on the Mall road were just the same, with the signboards intact as they had been back when I was a child. The shop across Town Hall selling hot gulab jamuns was still brimming with tourists and locals alike – and need I mention that the taste was heavenly? The Krishna Bakery on the Mall road still sells its world famous momos – and I could even recognize the owner there! The optical shop next to Gaindamall Stores which gave me my first pair of spectacles was still there – it hadn’t closed down, nor had it expanded! The familiarity comforted me like little else can. While of course, in ten years the city had changed, but these little things were what made me feel closer to 13 year old me.

I digress. The purpose of my coming to Himachal wasn’t reminiscence, but to assess learning levels of children, and help them improve, in whatever little way possible.  And today, I visited the first of the many villages which I will be visiting in this week. I would love to use words like how inspiring the visit was, and how it has motivated me even more to work for the development of the society– but honestly, I only felt jealous. Jealous of the simple life the people are leading, jealous of how the people are so loving and caring – not just to each other, but even to strangers like me. I was forced to sit and eat lunch with them, and that reminded me why Indian hospitality is unmatchable!

Not to forget the kids! It was because of them that I was here, after all. It is always refreshing to talk to kids – and here when we were giving them group activities to be done, it was such a delight watching them help and tease each other!  They started an impromptu competition amongst themselves (They called themselves Tiger v/s Cheetah); and each group promised me that it would be the winner the next time I visit them. Which led me to ask what they would like as a prize for the winning group; and their answer really did inspire me-

“Didi, please notebook le aana! Bohot kami rehti hai”

“Aur pencil bhi chahiye!”

And that, was the end of Day 1. Looking forward to more inspirational days ahead!