#Adulting - My Quarter Life crisis

I suddenly wake up. I fumble in the dark, for my phone. I fail to find it. It's still dark outside, so I assume that I have woken up in the middle of the night and can sleep in for a few more hours.

But I wake up anyway. I visit the toilet. I come back. And only now, do I notice the time. It's already 6.30 AM, and the dark outside is but an indicator of the winter weather that has slowly but surely arrived.

I sit down on my bed. I wonder. What should I do today? I wonder. What I am actually thinking is, what should I do today that will make my soul happy?

I will very soon be a 26-year-old. I have a nice job. I enjoy my work and enjoy the company of my colleagues.  I have a few close friends. All in all, my life is one that should make me happy.

And yet, I'm not content. I'm not content with the way my life has turned out. I had always wanted to be more, and suddenly, my failure to define more in a better manner during my teens stares me in the face. What is more? Will I be happy at more? Will I even ever reach the fabled more?

I think about this every day. That constant nag of fear and anxiety and urgency to go and achieve more is always, permanently there. I feel the need to be productive, every single minute of every single day. Of course, I fail massively at that. And all these feelings combined: they sometimes get the better of me. And that is when I give up any pretences of having my life together, and I sit down and wallow in my failures. I wallow in self-pity and doubts.

Is this a good way of handling things? Surely not. Is there something better I can do with my time? Surely, yes.  Should I be happy and content in my life, anyway? A resounding, yes. Because I am privileged and lucky.  Yet, I battle with my life, and I battle with myself, every day, and I cannot understand why.

A friend tells me that it's the classic quarter-life crisis. Great, nothing like having a diagnosis to your symptoms.

The treatment? Well, that's a whole other matter. Perhaps there's yet to be a universal cure for it. I just hope I can cure myself soon!

#Adulting - Why am I not there yet?

When I was a teenager and would be faced with the terrifying prospect of thinking about and planning for the future, I would often say to my mother in desperation, "I wish I could sleep and wake up 5 years later, when everything will be sorted!"

Then, as I entered college, that feeling left. I was glad. I thought that all the uncertainty in my life was truly over, and that, I would thankfully never feel that way again.

Boy, how wrong was I.

True, the uncertainty was mostly over... but that lasted only until I graduated from college and until I turned 22. You see, it seems to me as if I attracted the 'tumultuous twenties.' I will explain why.

My first job - well it wasn't so much of a job as it was an internship - was one that I didn't like. I loved the fast-paced nature of it, but the job itself, I hated. So much so, that I remember crying one night wondering why had I ended up where I did.

So, naturally, I left. And moved into a think-tank. In the development sector, which I thought is my calling.

Well, no regrets there. Working in the development sector definitely makes me happy. Yet, a sense of void and uncertainty in my life remains. I have always wanted to be at the top of a career - any career. But surely, one can't start at the top?

Except that apparently, one can. But that's for the super hard workers, the overachievers. All things, which I believe that I am not.

Or am I? I really do not know. All I know is, that, I am not really happy. I want to work for something greater, something bigger. But I don't know if, that will ever happen?

I can only, hope.  But for now, I have been increasingly feeling like my teenage self, wanting to sleep and wake up 5 years into the future, when everything will be stable in my life. Or is that just wishful thinking?

Misfit

In this world of people 'following their passion'
I am, but a dreamer, building in the air my mansions.

It's a world of  'go-getters', 'believers' and 'hustlers'
Me? I'm merely a doer, trying to do something worth a  remember.

It's the time of microblogging and vlogs,
and look at me, I still write in my journals and blogs!

I have never quite understood the charm of tinder,
and I sit and wait, for a handwritten love letter.

Its the best of times, they say. 'We have everything we would ever need!'
Then why is it that I have never found one of my creed?

I realize -  I am - a misfit in today's modern world
An old soul in the body of a 25-year-old;
Someone for whom happiness lies in the small joys of life -
Good food, good company and a quiet moonlit night.

Am I one of a kind, a misfit through-and-through?
If only, I could find where I belong, if only I knew!