As we grow up

As we grow up

Do our hearts grow small?

From the size of the earth, 

To the size of a ball? 

Because as we grow, 

Some changes begin to show: 

From always being helpful and kind 

To getting lost in the vagaries of life; 

From hugging our parents with delight 

To forgetting to call them at night. 

From extending stays with your grandparents 

To paying them flying visits; 

From being best friend and confidantes, 

To becoming mere acquaintances. 

As we grow up 

Do we learn more fear?

Because as we grow,
The changes are subtle, yet clear:

From crying at the sight of injustice,

To pushing it under the carpet;

From promising to change the world,

To defining success in material terms. 

From having big dreams 

To finding solace in safety; 

From wishing to explore the world

To staying put in the comfort of your city. 

From being vulnerable 

To putting up innumerable barriers. 

From always ready to trust and love,

To always finding reasons to give up. 

As we grow up,

Why do we forget what it’s like 

To having dreams and the possibility of them coming to life?

Or reveling in the delight of friendships or fights?

And as we grow up 

Alas! Why do we not realize - 

That it’s small moments and joys of life 

That are the ones making us feel alive! 

Like a wave

Those feelings finally go away, and I feel relieved,
for rejection and failures had left me bereaved. 

Dreams were broken, and hopes were thrashed,
Perhaps it's time for a new start; but I'm still abashed.

'Do not give up' is a refrain I've heard often;
But isn't it alright to when it's the final nail in the coffin?

So I try and try, to get ready for a new innings;
But then those feelings come back, like a wave just beginning:
Small at first, and then gaining momentum,
Come for minutes, only to go away at the next sight of any tension

Yet a little hope flickers again, the heart again beats true.
Oh, I wonder, why am I not able to let it go!

Why do I want to pursue the same thing again -
To face the horrors of failures, to go through the same pain?
What if it again turns out to be a mirage,
Isn't life good enough, without a big applause?

And I wonder and wonder if I'm making the right choice, 
But it's the game of life, one I'm not able to play with poise..

Failing at being a ‘successful adult’

I had a conversation with a friend recently, about how we still have to remind ourselves that we are the adults in charge of our own lives and decisions now. And how there is no fallback option -  because this is real life.

This is just one of the many facets of adulthood that I dislike. Don’t get me wrong - I do realize that making decisions for oneself and being independent is a privilege that not everyone is blessed to have. Women especially are often not given adequate agency of their life. I’m sure lucky that way.

And yet, it’s not all rosy. Not having a fallback option, and taking full ownership of one’s own life requires immense courage and resilience, something which I’m still in the process of developing. 

Perhaps it’s exactly because of these personal failings that I dislike adulthood. Maybe, I will be a ‘successful’ adult once I become comfortable with the idea of taking charge of my life. 

But there are other things that I dislike, too. 

One of the things that make me most uncomfortable and anxious is the impending old age of my parents. As I grow up, I am in the non-enviable position of seeing them grow old, too. At times I am struck by the role reversal in the family - Sometimes, I become the one taking care of them. I’m grateful though that it’s only sometimes, and that, my parents still treat me like a spoilt little kid sometimes. 

And then, there is the forever ache of not having friends by my side always. All through school and college, I had become so used to the idea of having friends all the time near me, that now, the past few years seem extremely weird having had no constant set of friends through the various stages of life. I’m an introvert, and find it difficult to seek comfort from my newer friends; and it is then that I miss the ones I’ve known for years, who are now in different cities. 

These friends who are closest to my heart, are now the ones I have not seen in months and even years. It is the strength of our friendship perhaps, that keeps us going, and I still have the privilege of calling them, friends. 

Adulthood isn’t easy - and true - nobody said that it would be!  Though it is also the time when I’m truly discovering myself, growing, and understanding more and more about this world. It's a phase when I am struggling to feel happy one day, grateful and content the next day, ambitious the other day, and failing at things everywhere in between. 

But hey, isn't life about learning every day! 

About that thing called Life

I think many of us go through life living in fear. We fear rejection, so we don't try that new thing we've been wanting to. We fear betrayal, so we prefer to stay away from people and stay in our cocoon, safe from the outside world. We fear uncertainty, so we prefer to stay in an unsatisfying yet comfortable situation. We fear change, so we remain stuck in a rut. 

I have a lot of conversations with friends regarding this. How everyone wants to get out and do that thing; but that thing doesn't come easy. So we give up. We give ourselves the platitude of 'at least we tried, perhaps it's not meant for us'. But did we try enough? Did we face our fears in the eye and took over them? Or, did we just give up when it became too tough to handle?

Are we less resilient than our parents' generation? Are we a big bunch of softies - who haven't seen 'real' problems in life, and therefore have the luxury to worry over these 'non-issues'? At least that's what a lot of people from the older generation say. Perhaps it doesn't even have to do with a generation. It is true that a lot of us - the privileged ones - haven't seen the real existential issues. We have never seen a crisis for food, or for living spaces. We have the material comforts that a large population around the world is unfortunately still aspiring for. 

Yet, we live in fear. We are unhappy.  We try and fail to answer the existential question of 'why are we living'?  We try to find a 'purpose' in life. We quite often fail in that endeavour. We fail to accept that maybe, just maybe, there is no grand purpose to our life. We are there as a cosmic accident, and that's all.  

And then, we feel lost.  We don't know what is it that will make our life seem 'normal' again. We become fed -up of our own constant thoughts and refrains. We crave for that something/someone - which will make us feel a tad bit better. 

Maybe it is a problem of plenty. There aren't two roads in the wood anymore - there are thousands, and each is as travelled as the other. We have the option of making our own road too.  We see a lot of people confidently going down the road of their choice. They look excited, content, happy.  And we stand there, frozen in panic, wondering and worrying, what if this road is not the one for me?

That perfect shoe

I'm a female, and that naturally means that I love shoes.

This is not to stereotype women, of course. There may be some women who may be indifferent to their mere existence, treating it only as a utility they need to get by in their day to day works.

But, me? Nah. I'm one of those girls who go starry-eyed at the sight of a good shoe, and really, really hope to own a nice one someday.

Now, again, most 20-something females have this same dream. To find that perfect pair of shoes which they will take pride in owning. Which they will feel they got lucky to have got. Which, will turn it into a good one just because it makes you look good.

But we all have different approaches for finding that perfect pair. Some, very unlike me, like to try and buy various pairs before they decide the kind of shoes they like. They test the shoe's reliability, durability, cost to benefit ratio - essentially meaning how many dresses look cute with the pair of shoe. The more, the better. And then, they set their eyes on the perfect one, the one they know they have to own.

I, on the other hand, take a more passive approach. I observe other people's shoes, I appreciate some from afar. Sometimes I try without really buying, just to test the waters - to see how I would like to own them. I do this because I don't enjoy that process of buying various pairs of shoes - I'd rather spend my time doing other things, rather than getting some shoes which I don't even like that much.
And yet, I believe that one day, when I truly want it, I will know which is that perfect pair, and proceed to buy it. I don't know if this is a good approach. I just know that, despite the fact that I do like shoes, I do not like the gruelling process that comes along with trying to find the perfect one.

I just hope I'm right.




As you may have guessed, this post isn't just about shoes. It's about the fears and insecurities of a 20-something about her future and life. Maybe I just need a good pair of shoes - to get through the rough patch of life? 

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

These past few days have not been the best. For no apparent reason, I was feeling down in the dumps. Frustrated. Defeated. Done, with life. 

I think friendship is the most underrated human experience. How often do we find people who not only enjoy our company, they want to be with us in all our good and bad experiences? The best of friendships are often a low investment, high return experience. These are people who are driven by nothing but their care and love for you. And the best of friends, they demand not much in return. Isn't that truly a once in a lifetime experience?

For some background, I am the kind of person who always wanted a 'best friend' all through school-life. I was the shy, almost reclusive, girl, who never had any friends. I was always one of a group, yet never one with a friend. I was the one whose absence people wouldn't notice. I always, always craved for a 'best friend', someone who would care about me, and someone who wouldn't judge me. And yet,  for the entire duration of my school life, I never found one. 

Now I wonder how did I get through the teenage phase of life, which was so challenging in its own ways. 

Twenties is proving to be another tumultuous time for me. It appears as if life has been saying to me, everything that you fear will come true, and now. Perhaps that is to pound all the fear out of me? I wonder. The fact remains, that facing my fears one after the other, makes me tired and disillusioned with everything. It makes me want to give up on everything. And this is when, my friends, this close group of friendships which I have cultivated over the years, hold my fort. They listen to me, comfort me, reassure me. Most of all, they let me be. 

I realize that not only I do have friends, but I also have immensely invaluable ones. The one in a million kinds. The ones, with whom I connect with at such a deep level - making me wonder if I will ever connect with a significant other in that way. I realize that I am so blessed to have such people in my life, that if I were to count my blessings, I'd probably count them twice. 

And that's how I know, I'll be fine. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. 

Life as a Twenty-Something

Waiting for weekends,
Waiting to meet friends,
Watching your parents grow old,
Wishing you could buy gold;
Wanting to pursue hobbies,
Instead, putting Instagram stories. 
Always on the lookout for success,
But never cleaning the house mess,
Only Sometimes happy, never content,
Googling ‘how to get through this’;
Waiting for cabs, 
Watching YouTube ads,
Yet As a twenty something...
Life ain’t all that bad!