Like a wave

Those feelings finally go away, and I feel relieved,
for rejection and failures had left me bereaved. 

Dreams were broken, and hopes were thrashed,
Perhaps it's time for a new start; but I'm still abashed.

'Do not give up' is a refrain I've heard often;
But isn't it alright to when it's the final nail in the coffin?

So I try and try, to get ready for a new innings;
But then those feelings come back, like a wave just beginning:
Small at first, and then gaining momentum,
Come for minutes, only to go away at the next sight of any tension

Yet a little hope flickers again, the heart again beats true.
Oh, I wonder, why am I not able to let it go!

Why do I want to pursue the same thing again -
To face the horrors of failures, to go through the same pain?
What if it again turns out to be a mirage,
Isn't life good enough, without a big applause?

And I wonder and wonder if I'm making the right choice, 
But it's the game of life, one I'm not able to play with poise..

Failing at being a ‘successful adult’

I had a conversation with a friend recently, about how we still have to remind ourselves that we are the adults in charge of our own lives and decisions now. And how there is no fallback option -  because this is real life.

This is just one of the many facets of adulthood that I dislike. Don’t get me wrong - I do realize that making decisions for oneself and being independent is a privilege that not everyone is blessed to have. Women especially are often not given adequate agency of their life. I’m sure lucky that way.

And yet, it’s not all rosy. Not having a fallback option, and taking full ownership of one’s own life requires immense courage and resilience, something which I’m still in the process of developing. 

Perhaps it’s exactly because of these personal failings that I dislike adulthood. Maybe, I will be a ‘successful’ adult once I become comfortable with the idea of taking charge of my life. 

But there are other things that I dislike, too. 

One of the things that make me most uncomfortable and anxious is the impending old age of my parents. As I grow up, I am in the non-enviable position of seeing them grow old, too. At times I am struck by the role reversal in the family - Sometimes, I become the one taking care of them. I’m grateful though that it’s only sometimes, and that, my parents still treat me like a spoilt little kid sometimes. 

And then, there is the forever ache of not having friends by my side always. All through school and college, I had become so used to the idea of having friends all the time near me, that now, the past few years seem extremely weird having had no constant set of friends through the various stages of life. I’m an introvert, and find it difficult to seek comfort from my newer friends; and it is then that I miss the ones I’ve known for years, who are now in different cities. 

These friends who are closest to my heart, are now the ones I have not seen in months and even years. It is the strength of our friendship perhaps, that keeps us going, and I still have the privilege of calling them, friends. 

Adulthood isn’t easy - and true - nobody said that it would be!  Though it is also the time when I’m truly discovering myself, growing, and understanding more and more about this world. It's a phase when I am struggling to feel happy one day, grateful and content the next day, ambitious the other day, and failing at things everywhere in between. 

But hey, isn't life about learning every day!