Deja vu of the worst kind

 It's a bright, quiet weekend morning. One can hear birds chirping, and for once their sound isn't drowned out by the cacophony of vehicles and people. It is, however, interspersed with ambulance sires, every 5-7 minutes or so. 

Apocalypse isn't an imaginary future anymore. It is here.

I try to lock myself in an imaginary bubble, of normalcy, at home. I try to keep my routine as normal as possible.  When my family members (and I) became infected, I pray and hope that it passes with as little damage as possible. For the most part, it seems that it will. But the worry remains... since one doesn't know when this virus will suddenly rear its ugly head and engulf everything in its wake. 

Of course, it is doing that already. It is taking lives by the scores. Social media is full of well-intentioned volunteers trying to do their best in helping their communities. I find myself unable to do that, either. I find myself going numb to the happenings around me, I find myself only able to care about my immediate family. I find myself truly unable to care for the greater community. 

These feelings - of despair, of guilt, of selfishness - run through my mind. I try to numb these feelings by binge-watching one or another inane series on Netflix. Yes - I am privileged, that even as my family and I became infected and now recover, I can afford to do indulge in such luxuries such as binge-watching. So I do that, over and over again, until I am successful in numbing all those unpleasant feelings for a while. 

Until I'm not. I feel trapped. I feel a desperate need to run away from .. all this. Everywhere I look for any escape, the stories stare at me. It's not just about numbers anymore. It's about parents losing their children, minors losing their entire families. Toddlers not able to hug their mother one last time. It's about waiting for your turn at crematoriums. It's about doctors and medical staff working relentlessly to save lives, often not succeeding. 

This is the background of our lives right now. It's that part in a movie when everything is dark and hopeless with ominous music in the background. Of course, a movie always has a hero we know and trust will come and save us. Perhaps, we will too. Or perhaps, we are our own heroes. Or perhaps, this is real life and that may not happen at all. Because in real life, bad things just happen... and one is left with no choice but to accept it all and move forward in life. 

Who knew that living is meant to be so difficult? Yet, historical events throughout the world have shown us that, again and again, and again. But I think that we, as a generation, have so far been living in abundance. Communal sufferings seemed to be a thing of the past... those events happened because the world was too poor/too capitalist/too socialist/too underdeveloped/too fascist/too Marxist/too unregulated...  

We believed that we had found a solution to all of those. And that we were the fortunate ones to now enjoy all the pleasures of life. But this pandemic is like a rude shock. We are struggling to understand where life since 2020 is going. As put in a New York Times article, we are 'languishing'. Our lives, accelerated towards personal goals, are suddenly at a pace we don't feel comfortable with. 

I personally, do not know what to do. I'm not able to cope with this. I see people working towards their careers and life, even as helping out those in need, despite these feelings. I, on the other hand, can't seem to shake myself from the numbness of it all. I can't seem to stop being a passive observer of everything that is happening. It's a deja vu of 2020, but only of the worst kind. 

Because despite the bright blue skies outside, my mind seems to be in a dense fog that I just can't seem to get out of. 

Past and Present

These days, I find myself reminiscing a lot about my teenage years. Perhaps its the isolation and the time I'm forced to spend with myself - and so my brain is finding new (old) memories to keep me occupied. Or perhaps, it's just me, almost on the verge of the big THREE O (still a couple of years left, folks!) - that I find myself wondering - how am I now living in the same city I wanted so hard to get away from? 

I moved back to this city - perhaps it would be apt to call it a hometown since it definitely feels like that - a few months ago. The last time I was living here was as a 14-15-year-old awkward teen - and barring some occasional visits to meet relatives after that; I genuinely believed I was out of this city forever; given that my parents weren't living here either. 

Well, my parents decided to move back to their own house, their home recently - thanks to my father's retirement last year. It's not as if I didn't see it coming - but I had assumed (quite arrogantly, may I add) that I'd have found a way out of my parents' house by the time that (shudder!) happened. 

Ah, well, as you may have guessed, that didn't happen.  To the long list of  'Reasons Why That Didn't Happen', I can maybe add the "This Great Year - 2020" (and beyond?) to the list. And so, I'm back in this city - to my hometown. 

This may seem strange, but for the first time in my life, I am comfortable calling a city my hometown. All my life, I have moved to multiple cities, to more houses than I can count, to various schools, even to a different country for a brief stint - and I never knew which one felt most like home. Everywhere felt like one and nothing felt like one.  

Now that I'm back in this city, I think I finally understand the meaning of 'hometown'. It's where I grew up, where I spent a part of my teenage. Where I made my first friends, had my first crush, had the first taste of independence. It's a place where I still have people I know from 15 years ago, where I have memories from the earliest years of my life. It's a place where I don't know the routes anymore because of all the 'development' - but I can still find my way. It's a place where an insignificant wall graffiti/advertisement about 'Bookland'  - a stationary shop - takes me back to my primary school; where this would be the urgent late-night destination because I would have forgotten that I needed a protractor/map/drawing book in school the next day. It's a place where the neighborhood grocery store still has the same name (and perhaps, even the board) - and if I look hard enough, perhaps, it's the same 'uncle' manning the shop. 

This city is familiar, and after a long time in my life, I don't feel afraid to come back to the familiar. I have been one always trying to run away from familiarity - didn't like staying in one place too long lest the neighborhood shopkeeper starts recognizing me as a 'local'. I've liked the anonymity when I've stayed in places for a short period of time - no one knew me, therefore I could be a new me to everyone. 

But here, the semblance of the past is heartwarming. I pass my old school(s) - and I remember the friends I made, the friends I wish I'd made, the people who I just thought of as 'classmates' but would love to run into them again. And I wonder about them, about myself - what were we when we were 15, what dreams and aspirations did we have? Did we fulfill that? Are some on the path to achieving that? Have some found new paths? Have some given up on dreams altogether? 

I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from my high school - in my quest to run away from everything 'familiar'; I stopped keeping in touch with people who I once spent my days with. I always wanted to run forward to bigger, better, greater things - old people and places had no place in my plans. Ironical now, that I'm back in this old city and wanting a reunion with those old friends. 

I miss my 15-year-old self. She was hopeful, and aspirational, and dreamy. She was not cynical, she was unencumbered, she always pushed herself to become a better version of herself. She believed in the goodness of people and in the fairness of the world. Some may call that naive now, but I think, that's the way to truly be happy - without letting your experiences rob you of your positive outlook of the world. 

Being back in my hometown, and living here, as an adult is a bitter-sweet experience. I feel grounded with the familiarity, yet that itch to run away to 'something bigger' is still there. And perhaps, one day I will move away again - but this time, I will not be afraid to come back - because, this, after all, is home, in the truest sense of the word. 

PS. 'This City' is Noida - and having spent the better part of the past 10-12 years in Delhi, I never expected to feel such ... but how life changes and surprises you! 

Waiting for the Un-Pause

How long is it until, we get our lives back?
Where there's no fear of sickness, no fear of a virus attack?

When we will go out and about,  without an errand at hand,
Make ordinary days special; without any grand plans.

When we'll meet up with friends for a drink,  revel in the joys of a night-out
The time will appear to pass in a blink,  and maybe, we will forget the word 'lockdown'.

When we'll dress up and go to cute places on dates;
Perhaps, we'll just be grateful to see another human face!

When we'll take a break from our homes and from the cooking,
Just to sample everything in the neighborhood bakery, relaxing in its cozy setting.

When we'll smile at babies because we think they are cute,
And they will stare back blankly... clearly giving us an attitude?

When we'll walk our pets without a time-limit,
Maybe talk to strangers, without worrying about the 'distance'.

When we'll once again see our colleagues every single day,
And celebrate birthdays, the proper way!

When we'll spend on things, maybe just out of greed,
But, maybe, now, we'll also spare a thought, for those in need!

How long until we get our lives back?
How long until everything is just a 'throwback'! 

Illusions

Maybe,  I got carried away;
by the glitter, and the shine,
due to the laughter and the wine?
I felt like it was sunshine on a cold day;
Felt like it was, finally, my time!

Maybe... I got carried away,
But who wouldn't; when you've always been astray?
And then, it seems that something's coming your way;
That something you'd always wanted but were too afraid to say...

Yes, truly, I did get carried away;
By the glitter, and by the shine...
Dreamt dreams, thought of them as rightfully 'mine';
Because, for once, I thought they wouldn't betray.
But, remember, I got carried away?

But sometimes, it's the glitter and the shine,
And the illusions that they bring (it does feel divine!);
That makes you realize that the dreams that you dreamt...
Were perhaps not ones you really meant.

And just like that, the Illusion breaks,
Leaves you wiser in its wake;
Makes you realize, life goes on:
And all your dreams? Well, the real ones are far from gone!

Reflections in the time of Corona....

I am getting lots of time to myself due to the COVID-19 outbreak and the subsequent lockdowns and mandatory staying in at homes. 

Normally, this is good news for me - an introvert - someone who likes time to herself to reflect... usually on life. 

This time around however it is very different. I find myself exposed to deepest truths about myself.. and that's not always pretty.  In the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to get to know myself. It hasn't been an easy journey at all, and somehow I naively thought it was over. 

Nope. It's perhaps a lifelong journey. And in the current situation, I am meeting a new version of myself - one who has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears...ones which I thought I had gotten over. (Naive, again?) There's the cynical voice inside my head which calls out all my mistakes and wants me to be perfect - anything less is unacceptable and thus I must constantly judge myself, never in the kindest words. 

But this forced slowdown in life is forcing me to accept myself, and listen to the cynical voice a little lesser. I am observing the cynical voice, something which isn't always possible in the daily chaos that is often my life. I'm too busy handling one thing after the other, to realize that the cynical voice in my head is indeed that - a cynical voice - and not a fact about myself. 

Now, while observing this voice, I am trying to find sources of its accusations - and I don't find any solid evidence to support the claims. Sure, sometimes it is right in some of its claims, but more often than not, it's never as bad as the voice makes it seem. It seems like the cynical voice is losing and I am winning, yay! 

So, I am now learning that it is perfectly normal to not be perfect - to be foolish sometimes and perhaps make the 'wrong' decisions. I'm learning that it is normal to make mistakes and to fail... it's everyday life for everyone in this world! Of course, all this is not a brand new realization for anyone. To accept and internalize this, however, has been a constant struggle for me. Perhaps, I will forget this when the pandemic is over and when our lives will be back on track. But, right now, at this moment -  I am able to accept these truths about myself. And that, in itself is a big win! 

I think, meeting myself was long due. Because there's this version of myself which exists in my head, which I suspect overblows the good qualities because of my inherent insecurities... oh well, that's not there anymore. Instead, I'm reframing my version of myself in my head. I'm making her based on what I really am. It's not easy of course. because it seems like I'm downgrading my perfect self (and then the cynical voice begins again..); it's disappointing at times, because if the version in my head is not perfect, what am I supposed to even aspire to be?  But, I'm also realizing that it's not fair to uphold myself to impossible standards.. because that means I'll be always setting myself up for failure. And hey, the more realistic version seems a lot more humane and fun! I'm loving getting to know myself, once again! 

Yes, this forced slowdown in life is challenging, something which all of us have been unprepared for. Yes, it is unpredictable and causes a lot of anxiety. But, as I mentioned in my last post, I think I'm one of the lucky ones in all this pandemonium - because it is very likely that I will get out of this without any significant negative impacts. And, if my journey to know myself keeps up, perhaps with a lot more confidence and self-awareness - things definitely not easy to achieve!  

Life in times of Corona

A pandemic is upon us, and the world is drowning in anxiety, understandably.

For me, however, this event has made me realize how in-control of my life, I am.

I am educated, so I can read and understand about the coronavirus. I can ensure that me and my family/friends take adequate precautions. I am working in a formal set-up wherein I don't have to worry if this crisis will affect my employment status, and thus sustenance. I will have enough savings and resources to tide me over even if there is an economic crisis. I have internet and social media, where  #socialdistancing has become the new cool; helping us all cope with isolation and quarantine. I have friends and family I can reach out to, in case this starts affecting my mental health.

And then there's the other set of population, in my very own country, in my very own city. The uneducated and illiterate ones - who do not perhaps even understand what is happening. Someone I heard recently was saying, 'what is this illness which is killing anyone who steps outside the house?' They have dubious (if any) sources of information. Then there are the ones working in the unorganized sector and the daily wage earners - they simply do not know how will they get over this shock - because of the economic lockdowns they are now completely dependent on the state for survival. Most will perhaps not even have any substantial savings; and; if quarantined, any means of staying in touch with their family and loved ones.

If all of that is not a source of anxiety and helplessness, I don't know what is.

Or is it normal for them, and this is another 'shock' that they have to accept and move on from? Is anxiety a normal state of mind for them, and thus perhaps this situation is not much different? Does that make them more perhaps resilient than the ones in the former group?
I don't know these answers; I can only see the unfairness of it all, because, if it becomes an epidemic in India, the poor and the vulnerable will be hit the most, just like with every other disaster. And that's the most unfair, because, at least in India, it has been brought by the 'rich' Indians - those who could travel to a foreign country and thus transmit it into India; to have the poor pay for it would be a great travesty.

Life in the times of Corona is strange and unsettling and prompting great existential questions. It is also making me more grateful, making me more connected to my friends and family, and giving me a forced downtime to perhaps push a reset? Without the noise of daily routines and stresses away, I am able to focus with greater clarity on what is truly important.
I hope that we come out on the other side kinder, more compassionate, more humane, more grateful, and maybe more peaceful and happy.

Because we're the lucky ones! 

Unexpected Experiences

The first time I heard about the country, Taiwan, I was an ignorant teen who didn't have much knowledge of the world or its affairs. So, when a friend told me that he was going to this country for a semester exchange program, my first thought was, 'but where is this, and why wouldn't you go to a western 'developed' country for an exchange program!'

The same friend when he came back after the exchange, proclaimed that it was his favorite country in the world (after our own, of course) - and this is a view he continues to hold to this day. This made me intrigued, and perhaps that was what made me curious and sowed the seeds in me about wanting to visit this country someday.

I love being by myself, so when somehow circumstances came together to give me an opportunity to travel alone to Taiwan, of course, I took it up! And while I do not have a 'how a solo trip changed my life' story; it did give me a lot of insights about myself that I never thought was true. This visit was somewhat of a 'dream come true'; something I never thought would happen to me ; yet sometimes life surprises you in the nicest ways.

I am always concerned with identities, especially about my own. Over the past few years, I have made a lot of effort to understand and discover myself; and have been taking pride in the fact that I have managed to understand myself a fair bit. I am now in my late 20s, and I had thought that whatever I had thought and believed about myself was true and based on a fair bit of evidence, and also, somewhat permanent. It was exactly this assumption that was challenged while I was traveling by myself.

But first, about Taiwan! I had high expectations, which were rightly fulfilled. It helped that I already knew a local there - an old friend from university - and in large parts, it was her and her family's welcome and hospitality which made me love the country so much!

From the minute I landed, I never felt lost - mostly because the country is extremely welcoming to foreigners. As a female traveling alone, I am conditioned into not trusting anyone, but I felt my fears going away as I made my way through the airport, trying to find the right ways to reach the capital city. The warmth and the help given by everyone there threw me off for a bit at first - what is the motive behind that!, I found myself wondering the entire first day. After spending 5 days in the country, however, I realized that there isn't always an ulterior motive if people are helpful and nice, and that, the world is perhaps nicer than we like to admit. I have never felt more welcomed in a country like I did in Taiwan. If India believes in "Atithi Devo Bhava"; I am sure Taiwan has their version of it as well! (And perhaps other Asian countries; which I haven't had opportunities to visit)

My friend and her family were perhaps the epitome of the hospitable nature of the country. I was in Taiwan during the Chinese New Year - a time typically reserved for the family - but they not only welcomed me but included me in all their local traditions; as if I am someone they have known forever. So there I was, participating in their local Tao temple tradition for good luck, playing a traditional Chinese gambling game (beginners luck; I won, but while we were playing without any money!), learning to eat with chopsticks, and meeting extended friends and family of my host friend - who treated me like their own too! Despite not knowing the language, never once did I feel out of place. The entire time with my friend and host, I felt as though I was back home, with a close friend, but of course with a massive language barrier! :)

Taiwan is a beautiful, modern, culturally rich country.  It seems like a country which is unapologetic and so comfortable in its own skin, that it is hard not to fall in love with it.  I felt that, it was Asian enough to feel like home, yet developed enough to feel like 'foreign' - a term we in India tend to often associate with the developed countries of the west. While there, I often wondered why is it not a more sought after holiday destination - it is close to India and it is relatively cheap - but perhaps it is our collective ignorance about the rest of Asia that prevents us from thinking of it as a mainstream holiday! I'd definitely love to visit the country again, because while 5 days gave me enough time to soak in the culture; yet there are parts of the country I couldn't visit, something which I hope to do in the future.

The experience of traveling alone gives you confidence, yes, but for me, it was also about getting to know myself outside of the context of a familiar setting.  I realized that I have always seen myself in the context of what my family, society, and culture expects me to be; and it is fair - because it is exactly that which has molded me. And yet; outside of everything familiar, it was as if a new side of me was able to express herself; one who didn't feel constrained by what she is 'supposed to be'; rather, was just able to, be.
Perhaps it wasn't the country, perhaps it was just the experience, one may argue. But the warmth and the safety I felt from people there was definitely unmatched, in my experience so far.

It was a country which made me feel safe and liberated and more like myself - well, what's not to love!

As we grow up

As we grow up

Do our hearts grow small?

From the size of the earth, 

To the size of a ball? 

Because as we grow, 

Some changes begin to show: 

From always being helpful and kind 

To getting lost in the vagaries of life; 

From hugging our parents with delight 

To forgetting to call them at night. 

From extending stays with your grandparents 

To paying them flying visits; 

From being best friend and confidantes, 

To becoming mere acquaintances. 

As we grow up 

Do we learn more fear?

Because as we grow,
The changes are subtle, yet clear:

From crying at the sight of injustice,

To pushing it under the carpet;

From promising to change the world,

To defining success in material terms. 

From having big dreams 

To finding solace in safety; 

From wishing to explore the world

To staying put in the comfort of your city. 

From being vulnerable 

To putting up innumerable barriers. 

From always ready to trust and love,

To always finding reasons to give up. 

As we grow up,

Why do we forget what it’s like 

To having dreams and the possibility of them coming to life?

Or reveling in the delight of friendships or fights?

And as we grow up 

Alas! Why do we not realize - 

That it’s small moments and joys of life 

That are the ones making us feel alive! 

Like a wave

Those feelings finally go away, and I feel relieved,
for rejection and failures had left me bereaved. 

Dreams were broken, and hopes were thrashed,
Perhaps it's time for a new start; but I'm still abashed.

'Do not give up' is a refrain I've heard often;
But isn't it alright to when it's the final nail in the coffin?

So I try and try, to get ready for a new innings;
But then those feelings come back, like a wave just beginning:
Small at first, and then gaining momentum,
Come for minutes, only to go away at the next sight of any tension

Yet a little hope flickers again, the heart again beats true.
Oh, I wonder, why am I not able to let it go!

Why do I want to pursue the same thing again -
To face the horrors of failures, to go through the same pain?
What if it again turns out to be a mirage,
Isn't life good enough, without a big applause?

And I wonder and wonder if I'm making the right choice, 
But it's the game of life, one I'm not able to play with poise..

Failing at being a ‘successful adult’

I had a conversation with a friend recently, about how we still have to remind ourselves that we are the adults in charge of our own lives and decisions now. And how there is no fallback option -  because this is real life.

This is just one of the many facets of adulthood that I dislike. Don’t get me wrong - I do realize that making decisions for oneself and being independent is a privilege that not everyone is blessed to have. Women especially are often not given adequate agency of their life. I’m sure lucky that way.

And yet, it’s not all rosy. Not having a fallback option, and taking full ownership of one’s own life requires immense courage and resilience, something which I’m still in the process of developing. 

Perhaps it’s exactly because of these personal failings that I dislike adulthood. Maybe, I will be a ‘successful’ adult once I become comfortable with the idea of taking charge of my life. 

But there are other things that I dislike, too. 

One of the things that make me most uncomfortable and anxious is the impending old age of my parents. As I grow up, I am in the non-enviable position of seeing them grow old, too. At times I am struck by the role reversal in the family - Sometimes, I become the one taking care of them. I’m grateful though that it’s only sometimes, and that, my parents still treat me like a spoilt little kid sometimes. 

And then, there is the forever ache of not having friends by my side always. All through school and college, I had become so used to the idea of having friends all the time near me, that now, the past few years seem extremely weird having had no constant set of friends through the various stages of life. I’m an introvert, and find it difficult to seek comfort from my newer friends; and it is then that I miss the ones I’ve known for years, who are now in different cities. 

These friends who are closest to my heart, are now the ones I have not seen in months and even years. It is the strength of our friendship perhaps, that keeps us going, and I still have the privilege of calling them, friends. 

Adulthood isn’t easy - and true - nobody said that it would be!  Though it is also the time when I’m truly discovering myself, growing, and understanding more and more about this world. It's a phase when I am struggling to feel happy one day, grateful and content the next day, ambitious the other day, and failing at things everywhere in between. 

But hey, isn't life about learning every day! 

About that thing called Life

I think many of us go through life living in fear. We fear rejection, so we don't try that new thing we've been wanting to. We fear betrayal, so we prefer to stay away from people and stay in our cocoon, safe from the outside world. We fear uncertainty, so we prefer to stay in an unsatisfying yet comfortable situation. We fear change, so we remain stuck in a rut. 

I have a lot of conversations with friends regarding this. How everyone wants to get out and do that thing; but that thing doesn't come easy. So we give up. We give ourselves the platitude of 'at least we tried, perhaps it's not meant for us'. But did we try enough? Did we face our fears in the eye and took over them? Or, did we just give up when it became too tough to handle?

Are we less resilient than our parents' generation? Are we a big bunch of softies - who haven't seen 'real' problems in life, and therefore have the luxury to worry over these 'non-issues'? At least that's what a lot of people from the older generation say. Perhaps it doesn't even have to do with a generation. It is true that a lot of us - the privileged ones - haven't seen the real existential issues. We have never seen a crisis for food, or for living spaces. We have the material comforts that a large population around the world is unfortunately still aspiring for. 

Yet, we live in fear. We are unhappy.  We try and fail to answer the existential question of 'why are we living'?  We try to find a 'purpose' in life. We quite often fail in that endeavour. We fail to accept that maybe, just maybe, there is no grand purpose to our life. We are there as a cosmic accident, and that's all.  

And then, we feel lost.  We don't know what is it that will make our life seem 'normal' again. We become fed -up of our own constant thoughts and refrains. We crave for that something/someone - which will make us feel a tad bit better. 

Maybe it is a problem of plenty. There aren't two roads in the wood anymore - there are thousands, and each is as travelled as the other. We have the option of making our own road too.  We see a lot of people confidently going down the road of their choice. They look excited, content, happy.  And we stand there, frozen in panic, wondering and worrying, what if this road is not the one for me?

That perfect shoe

I'm a female, and that naturally means that I love shoes.

This is not to stereotype women, of course. There may be some women who may be indifferent to their mere existence, treating it only as a utility they need to get by in their day to day works.

But, me? Nah. I'm one of those girls who go starry-eyed at the sight of a good shoe, and really, really hope to own a nice one someday.

Now, again, most 20-something females have this same dream. To find that perfect pair of shoes which they will take pride in owning. Which they will feel they got lucky to have got. Which, will turn it into a good one just because it makes you look good.

But we all have different approaches for finding that perfect pair. Some, very unlike me, like to try and buy various pairs before they decide the kind of shoes they like. They test the shoe's reliability, durability, cost to benefit ratio - essentially meaning how many dresses look cute with the pair of shoe. The more, the better. And then, they set their eyes on the perfect one, the one they know they have to own.

I, on the other hand, take a more passive approach. I observe other people's shoes, I appreciate some from afar. Sometimes I try without really buying, just to test the waters - to see how I would like to own them. I do this because I don't enjoy that process of buying various pairs of shoes - I'd rather spend my time doing other things, rather than getting some shoes which I don't even like that much.
And yet, I believe that one day, when I truly want it, I will know which is that perfect pair, and proceed to buy it. I don't know if this is a good approach. I just know that, despite the fact that I do like shoes, I do not like the gruelling process that comes along with trying to find the perfect one.

I just hope I'm right.




As you may have guessed, this post isn't just about shoes. It's about the fears and insecurities of a 20-something about her future and life. Maybe I just need a good pair of shoes - to get through the rough patch of life? 

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

These past few days have not been the best. For no apparent reason, I was feeling down in the dumps. Frustrated. Defeated. Done, with life. 

I think friendship is the most underrated human experience. How often do we find people who not only enjoy our company, they want to be with us in all our good and bad experiences? The best of friendships are often a low investment, high return experience. These are people who are driven by nothing but their care and love for you. And the best of friends, they demand not much in return. Isn't that truly a once in a lifetime experience?

For some background, I am the kind of person who always wanted a 'best friend' all through school-life. I was the shy, almost reclusive, girl, who never had any friends. I was always one of a group, yet never one with a friend. I was the one whose absence people wouldn't notice. I always, always craved for a 'best friend', someone who would care about me, and someone who wouldn't judge me. And yet,  for the entire duration of my school life, I never found one. 

Now I wonder how did I get through the teenage phase of life, which was so challenging in its own ways. 

Twenties is proving to be another tumultuous time for me. It appears as if life has been saying to me, everything that you fear will come true, and now. Perhaps that is to pound all the fear out of me? I wonder. The fact remains, that facing my fears one after the other, makes me tired and disillusioned with everything. It makes me want to give up on everything. And this is when, my friends, this close group of friendships which I have cultivated over the years, hold my fort. They listen to me, comfort me, reassure me. Most of all, they let me be. 

I realize that not only I do have friends, but I also have immensely invaluable ones. The one in a million kinds. The ones, with whom I connect with at such a deep level - making me wonder if I will ever connect with a significant other in that way. I realize that I am so blessed to have such people in my life, that if I were to count my blessings, I'd probably count them twice. 

And that's how I know, I'll be fine. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. 

Life as a Twenty-Something

Waiting for weekends,
Waiting to meet friends,
Watching your parents grow old,
Wishing you could buy gold;
Wanting to pursue hobbies,
Instead, putting Instagram stories. 
Always on the lookout for success,
But never cleaning the house mess,
Only Sometimes happy, never content,
Googling ‘how to get through this’;
Waiting for cabs, 
Watching YouTube ads,
Yet As a twenty something...
Life ain’t all that bad!

#Adulting - My Quarter Life crisis

I suddenly wake up. I fumble in the dark, for my phone. I fail to find it. It's still dark outside, so I assume that I have woken up in the middle of the night and can sleep in for a few more hours.

But I wake up anyway. I visit the toilet. I come back. And only now, do I notice the time. It's already 6.30 AM, and the dark outside is but an indicator of the winter weather that has slowly but surely arrived.

I sit down on my bed. I wonder. What should I do today? I wonder. What I am actually thinking is, what should I do today that will make my soul happy?

I will very soon be a 26-year-old. I have a nice job. I enjoy my work and enjoy the company of my colleagues.  I have a few close friends. All in all, my life is one that should make me happy.

And yet, I'm not content. I'm not content with the way my life has turned out. I had always wanted to be more, and suddenly, my failure to define more in a better manner during my teens stares me in the face. What is more? Will I be happy at more? Will I even ever reach the fabled more?

I think about this every day. That constant nag of fear and anxiety and urgency to go and achieve more is always, permanently there. I feel the need to be productive, every single minute of every single day. Of course, I fail massively at that. And all these feelings combined: they sometimes get the better of me. And that is when I give up any pretences of having my life together, and I sit down and wallow in my failures. I wallow in self-pity and doubts.

Is this a good way of handling things? Surely not. Is there something better I can do with my time? Surely, yes.  Should I be happy and content in my life, anyway? A resounding, yes. Because I am privileged and lucky.  Yet, I battle with my life, and I battle with myself, every day, and I cannot understand why.

A friend tells me that it's the classic quarter-life crisis. Great, nothing like having a diagnosis to your symptoms.

The treatment? Well, that's a whole other matter. Perhaps there's yet to be a universal cure for it. I just hope I can cure myself soon!

#Adulting - Why am I not there yet?

When I was a teenager and would be faced with the terrifying prospect of thinking about and planning for the future, I would often say to my mother in desperation, "I wish I could sleep and wake up 5 years later, when everything will be sorted!"

Then, as I entered college, that feeling left. I was glad. I thought that all the uncertainty in my life was truly over, and that, I would thankfully never feel that way again.

Boy, how wrong was I.

True, the uncertainty was mostly over... but that lasted only until I graduated from college and until I turned 22. You see, it seems to me as if I attracted the 'tumultuous twenties.' I will explain why.

My first job - well it wasn't so much of a job as it was an internship - was one that I didn't like. I loved the fast-paced nature of it, but the job itself, I hated. So much so, that I remember crying one night wondering why had I ended up where I did.

So, naturally, I left. And moved into a think-tank. In the development sector, which I thought is my calling.

Well, no regrets there. Working in the development sector definitely makes me happy. Yet, a sense of void and uncertainty in my life remains. I have always wanted to be at the top of a career - any career. But surely, one can't start at the top?

Except that apparently, one can. But that's for the super hard workers, the overachievers. All things, which I believe that I am not.

Or am I? I really do not know. All I know is, that, I am not really happy. I want to work for something greater, something bigger. But I don't know if, that will ever happen?

I can only, hope.  But for now, I have been increasingly feeling like my teenage self, wanting to sleep and wake up 5 years into the future, when everything will be stable in my life. Or is that just wishful thinking?

Misfit

In this world of people 'following their passion'
I am, but a dreamer, building in the air my mansions.

It's a world of  'go-getters', 'believers' and 'hustlers'
Me? I'm merely a doer, trying to do something worth a  remember.

It's the time of microblogging and vlogs,
and look at me, I still write in my journals and blogs!

I have never quite understood the charm of tinder,
and I sit and wait, for a handwritten love letter.

Its the best of times, they say. 'We have everything we would ever need!'
Then why is it that I have never found one of my creed?

I realize -  I am - a misfit in today's modern world
An old soul in the body of a 25-year-old;
Someone for whom happiness lies in the small joys of life -
Good food, good company and a quiet moonlit night.

Am I one of a kind, a misfit through-and-through?
If only, I could find where I belong, if only I knew!

Goodbye, farewell

Tom passed away on Wednesday, the 15th of November.

Tom was our pet dog, who lived a grand long life of 14 and a half years. But no amount time with a loved one seems enough, does it!

I am yet to believe it. It just doesn't register. I feel he's sitting in one of the other rooms, and I can almost sometimes hear the tap-tap sound of his paws which could be heard when he walked on the tiled floors.  This mischievous little pet of ours had forced many habits for us over the course of his life, which now, we are finding hard to let go of...

For instance, we would never leave the main door of our house open even for a few seconds, because our adventurous explorer always wanted to sneak out and explore the neighbourhood without the constraints of a leash and a human trying to control him. As I once said to my sister, we don't walk Tom, he walks us.

Another habit we developed was to remember to feed him before we ate our meals, otherwise his puppy eyes would fill you with such guilt and regret that you would curse yourself for delaying his food!

And if we were eating one of his favourite foods, his sparkling black eyes would come and beg for it, even if he had already eaten. Then be it paneer or an apple or strawberry ice cream (his favourite), or egg or milk, he would simply sit and stare at you, until you could ignore him no longer and had to oblige his innocent face.

But he often used this innocent face of his to his advantage, too. Just like a little child, if you would find him sitting very quietly and being extra affectionate to you, you could be more than a hundred percent sure that some mischief had been done. But beneath the innocent face, lay a very mischievous dog who would jump on the beds and the sofas he was forbidden to go on, as soon as we left the house! How do we know he did that? Because sometimes he would not hear the unlocking of the door and forget to jump back in time, thus getting a good round of scolding.

He was the one who would scratch on the door of my room with his paws if it was locked, requesting - no, demanding! - to be let in. And when I opened the door, his look of disdain would make me wonder if he thought of the room as his; so how could I dare to lock it.

There are a countless stories of him that I could go on about. Tom has been one of the most integral parts of my life. He made me realize my identity as a pet-owner, as an animal lover. He came into our lives when I was 11, and a large part of childhood years was spent with him. While I liked to think of him as my younger sibling, I am sure he thought of me as a kid who doesn't know anything.

He taught me a lot of things. It may seem funny how a dog can give life-lessons. But now I think about it, and I realize he did.

I would often talk to him about my troubles. And no, it would not elicit an affectionate nudge from him as one would expect, but a stare and an expression that said, "Get over it, already!". Yes, my little cute dog was all about tough love. If he could talk, he would probably tell me to stop thinking so much about what others think of me, and focus on enjoying my life. Because that is what he did everyday, all his life.  He looked out for himself before he looked out for us. We used to joke about how selfish he is, but , isn't this actually how we are supposed to live? Unless we are mentally and physically fit and happy ourselves, how can we ever expect to spread happiness and cheer and love to those around us!

He taught me to adapt quickly to all new situations. In 14 years of his life, Tom had lived in 3 cities, and in 6 different houses and locations. But never, did he exhibit any discomfort at any new place. In fact, he would always be super excited, sniffing and 'marking his territory' and looking around happily. Maybe he was a traveller and an explorer at heart, if that's even possible in dogs....

Tom wasn't just a pet to us. He was something much, much more. In the last one month he had lost much of the mobility of his hind legs and thus wasn't able to walk down the stairs from our 3rd floor house. I would carry him outside so he could walk a little, but he would wiggle out of my arms as soon as we would reach downstairs, even before we reached the small green patch where he would walk. He didn't want to cause any extra troubles, probably.

Even in the very last days of his life, he didn't want to be an inconvenience. (As if he could ever be!) He was throwing up twice or thrice a day, and not eating anything. It was an alarming situation, and obviously, he didn't have any energy to even move his head, much less move himself around. Yet, he would gingerly get up whenever he had to vomit, and do it on some papers we had spread just for this purpose. Just so cleaning up was a bit easier, my old fragile pet summoned all his energy.

The last day of his life, he was exceptionally restless. We were worried, but we thought it's probably because he is unwell. He was whimpering all day, which stopped only when someone would sit beside him. He was trying to tell us... and maybe we did understand, but were just in denial.

In the evening, I was sitting near him in my room. He was just as restless, and his eyes would flick to the door when my parents passed by. Maybe I had an inkling so I called them both, and we spent some time sitting with our dear lovely pet. We tried to feed him milk, but he wouldn't have more than 1 spoonful of his favourite food.  But something is better than nothing, we thought! He also relaxed a bit when we were sitting, giving us the illusion that he was feeling better.

But of course, it wasn't so. Just an hour later, when somehow none of us was in the same room as him, my mother heard a yelp, and asked me to check on him. I went, and my little friend was once again throwing up, this time on his bed, on himself.  He had no energy left, and I think I just knew, that something is terribly wrong here. I called my father, who held him and tried to put him in an upright position because he was unable to get up. But then and there, in my father's arms, he went away, bidding us all the final goodbye. In his last and final moments, he called out to us, and that I think was the ultimate expression of his love.

Now, our house seems empty. We don't know what to do with his leash and his bowl and his coat and his other accessories. We are struggling to deal with the loss of someone who had become an intrinsic part of our lives for the past 14 years. Dealing with the loss of a pet is just as bad, if not worse than the loss of a family member. We are all grieving in our own way: me by fooling myself into thinking that he's still here, my mother by wanting to get another dog looking exactly like Tom (who we will of course, again name Tom), my father quietly and privately while sharing his old pictures with us, and my sister by imagining how happy and healthy he must be in dog heaven.

Hope you are indeed enjoying your afterlife, little baby.

I'm cute and I know it! 

I hope, I dream

Of course , I hope
Because, why must I not?
For, I believe  
That a game isn't over, until it finally ends 


It is said 
That Hope is a good thing to live by; 
But a bad thing to depend on. 
But - hope gives me happiness, even if transitory: 
Because I do not know, what the reality will be.


I dream: 
About what  perfection looks like.
But 'when man proposes, God disposes'- 
what I dream , may not come true. 
But I like to believe 
That, which comes true: 
May be the dream, that I never dreamt.

Monster in my Head

I have a Monster in my head
It knows, exactly what, I dread
It gnaws and nibbles at my happy thoughts
And soon, all that's left is a load of chaos

There is a Monster in my head : 
It makes me shudder, it makes me scared. 
It comes and goes on its own time;
Isn't my head supposed to be mine?

I'll tell you something : this Monster has no sense: 
It just doesn't know, somethings are best left unsaid.
It speaks the worst things, voices my greatest fears 
I wonder, then, why do I allow it to come so near?

It has its own will, perhaps a mind of its own;
But there must be things to which, even it is prone?

There's a Monster in my head, 
Why don't I take on it, instead?
Maybe turn the tables, be the one it dreads : 
Maybe I can be the Monster in its head!